Twice today I’ve had the same message – someone who’s passed on is trying to help people who are still alive to finish a creative project.
The first message came about the late Debbie Ford. She passed away 5 years ago and I wrote about her message of embracing the shadow pieces of ourselves in my last blog post: The Shadow’s Gifts.
According to a post on Facebook by the head of Hay House UK, Debbie wrote a book before she died about standing in your holiness, connected to your spiritual self. Her sister, Arielle Ford visited a medium and got a message about this book. Debbie’s assistant knew what the book was immediately and found it on Debbie’s hard drive. The book is now being published by Hay House!
The second message came through a TV programme. I was planning to get back to work when I got into watching “Medium” – a drama about the crime-solving life of psychic Allison Dubois. I heard a voice telling me to carry on watching it, so I did. At the end of the episode, Allison’s daughters helped a man who’d passed to share the end of a song with his musician song.
So twice in one day I’ve got the rather extraordinary message of being living people being helped to produce something creative by their deceased loved ones.
I have no idea what this means for me at the moment, but I do feel a bit emotional thinking about it, so I know there’s something. Maybe my deceased loved ones are helping me with my book writing. Maybe it’s telling me they’ve already been helping me – especially my dad. Who knows? I love that a voice was telling me to watch the episode to receive the message.
What beautiful affirmations that there’s life after death. There’s so much more to us than what our 5 senses can pick up <3
The shadow is the all the parts of ourselves that we’ve decided are unacceptable and try to stuff down out of our awareness. But the shadow is a tricky bugger and sooner or later it will blast out from our constraints. The late Debbie Ford called this the “beach ball effect”. Each piece of ourselves that we try to suppress is like a beachball held under water – it takes huge amounts of energy to keep it there. And one day when we’re tired or exhausted or stressed out and we can’t hold all of the beachballs down, they will shoot up and smack us in the face.
I’ve written this post about my experience and in the first person, but my intention is to help you connect with your own shadow self too and because that can be a daunting, overwhelming and scary idea, I’ve used “I” and “me” instead of “you”. I do hope that this inspires you to know the gifts in your own shadow and to take a little time to explore what your shadow might be trying to tell you when one of those beach balls pops up and smacks you in the face.
The other night my beachballs smacked me in the face. A good hint to the shadow is something that we’re really proud of in ourselves. I’m really proud of the patience I’ve developed. I’m really proud of the compassion I’ve developed. I’m really proud of my ability to hold sacred space for emotional truth. All of these really help me create the kind of space that allows for deep healing and coaching to happen.
But it’s a truth that just like yin contains yang and yang contains yin, for each element of myself that I’m proud of, I also carry the opposite in my shadow. So my lack of patience and lack of compassion and lack of sacred space and lack of emotional truth shot out from my psyche and had me become a shouty, mean bitch. The polar opposite of what I am in my sessions with clients. Oops!!
And actually, that’s a good thing. Shouty mean bitch Jacqui was probably suffocating under water and needed some air. She’s also helping me to realise some deep and uncomfortable truths about myself and how I’ve been sabotaging my success. And besides, she’s there all the time in the sacred space I create anyway, so inviting her wisdom in means she can add depth and help support the sacred space I like to create.
A Matter of Time
The shouty mean bitchiness came from being totally fed up of having my time wasted and messed about by someone else. Now I know the signs that I’m in my shadow – I can’t feel my body, I’m in my head, I’m blaming someone else… if I start trying to sort out and talk through any problems from that space, I’m not going to get very far. Do you fancy trying to sort out a problem with someone who is blaming you alone for it? Nah, didn’t think so! While I’m in that blaming space, I’m being a victim, so I will cast others in roles that keep me as the powerless victim.
I knew that my own sense of “urgh” and disconnection between my head and body meant that I had some investigative work to do to get out of victim mode. The other day I was chatting to a colleague about the time problem that had triggered my mean, shouty bitch self. As me and my colleague talked, we both started realising that our relationship to time was off. We have an abundance of time and there are so many things that we could do each day to help our businesses, but we end up wasting loads of time on social media and let other people take our time from us. We both admitted that we’re allowing people to take time from us.
So, we both vowed to explore what was going on with this time stuff and share with each other what we learned. I found this interesting article on time on the Psychology Today website. I felt pangs of discomfort and as I read and realised that basically, my wasting time is a disempowering choice I’m making. It’s an unconscious sabotage to keep things as they are and not step into my light and my true power. It’s fear and survival based living rather than love and abundance based living.
I need to take back my power, clear up any beliefs or emotions keeping me stuck in powerless victim mode and own my moment-to-moment choices about what I do. I can dream big and create big visions about the future, but I have to commit moment by moment, piece by piece to making those dreams and visions a reality.
Valuable Pieces of Peace
It’s all valuable material for the book I’m writing and philosophy I’m (kind of) creating and living. When I say “kind of creating”, it’s because I’m not really creating it, it’s an idea from somewhere in the ether working its way into my consciousness. If you’ve ever read “Big Magic” by Elizabeth Gilbert, it’s like the way she describes the mysterious way ideas choose a human to come through.
The idea that chose me is called “Pieces to Peace” and the intention behind it is to help people recognise the value of each piece of themselves and the vital roles each person plays towards creating peace in our communities and globally. Each of us is a vital piece of a greater whole. Embracing the shadow is an important part of the philosophy because we often see our own shadows in other people and then think the person we’re projecting our shadow onto is the scum of the earth who should be destroyed – you can see how that kinda messes up peace, can’t you? Not only that but when we stop projecting the shadow onto others and look inside ourselves to find its message, we can find it leads us to valuable gifts, blessings and realisations.
Mean, shouty bitchface Jacqui was simply trying to get my attention about how I’m spending my moments of time. She yelled at my partner but it was really me that she was yelling at. Like trying to shake me awake to see what I’m doing with the precious pieces of my life – the moments of each day. I’ve been throwing away so many precious moments where I could let myself feel more alive and feel more connected to source energy and be more present.
If that piece of my shadow hadn’t popped up and smacked me in the face, I’d continue to throw away valuable pieces of my life each day. It’s me and me alone who choose the quality of the moment. The truth is that I’m 100% responsible for how I choose to be in each piece or moment of my life.
And so are you. So how are you spending the precious moments of your life? Are you fully present or do you let others take your time? <3
Exploring Pieces to Peace More
In my explorations of this Pieces to Peace idea, a beautiful meditation process came to me. It helps you to accept all the pieces of yourself by seeing them as a beautiful mosaic and holding that mosaic in your heart space. The meditation then invites you to heal a difficult relationship you’ve experienced by seeing the other person in the same way. The meditation is a free gift to subscribers of my mailing list and you can access it on this page: Get Your Free Relationship Healing Meditation.
Here’s a fabulous little article about transforming your thinking from setting big goals and breaking them down to setting small goals and building them up.
The Pieces to Peace philosophy is an idea that’s been working its way into my conscious awareness. If you’ve read Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Big Magic”, you’ll know how ideas have a way of choosing you. That’s what Pieces to Peace has done with me. It’s a big idea, but it’s teaching me to think small so it can be big.
Anyway, here’s the article and I hope it brings ahas for you too!
Being a psychic healer means you know and feel the pain behind appalling behaviour. You know why someone constantly puts you down. You know why they call you names and make absurd accusations. You know why they have to deny the truth.
Because you can see, feel, hear, know or sense the pain underneath their fragile self esteem and the healer part tries not to give up on them, always hoping for better days.
You know why they go into their heads and shut off from their heart. You know why they feel they have to justify their own rightness. You know why they try to shame you into feeling socially unacceptable. You know why they need to you feel disempowered.
Because you can see, feel, hear, know or sense the pain that keeps them feeling powerless and afraid of their heart. And you know things can be different.
Yes, they deserve our compassion and love on a soul level. That wounded inner child desperately needs love and attention. As a child they deserved so much more than they got.
But now, you deserve your compassion just as much, if not more. You inner child deserves to be in relationships that offer safety, playfulness, happiness and nurture.
Let the healer in you work with people who are ready and willing to change their lives and who respect your ability. Get yourself away from the presence of people who drag you down, bully, shame or blame you.
By all means, send them love. But do it from afar. Keep your highest healer vision of love alive. But do it from afar.
Thank them for all they taught you about what love isn’t. But do it from afar.
Forgive them for their mindless behaviour. But do it from afar and do it for your own happiness.
Yes, you have a shadow and you need to know yours. But don’t let their shadow, their projections and their psychic attacks lead you to believe that you ARE their shadow. You’re not.
You can’t control what people see in you. You can control whether you allow yourself anywhere near their energy.
Save your beautiful, caring, broken, mended, courageous healer heart for people who see it and acknowledge it. Surround yourself with people dreaming bigger, being truthful, soaring high, lifting you up, living in alignment and taking responsibility for their lives and their own healing.
Live your life as the example of what psychic healing can actually do, not what it could potentially do. Don’t be a victim in someone else’s drama. Be a divine co-creator of your life. <3
(My relationship healing meditation can help you remember the bigger you in relationships and separate yourself from the problems people have. It’s a gift for signing up to my mailing list where I’ll send you more reminders of who you really are <3 You can access it here. )
This is perhaps one of the most difficult and raw posts to write. The other day i devoured the book “The Power of TED” by David Emerald and I felt it resonate so deep that I knew that it would bring through profound change.
The next morning when I wrote the first draft of this post, I’d been crying because it had reached a deep place in my heart. The basic idea in the book is that there are 2 ways to approach life – either a as victim where everything happens TO you (not just crime but every event and situation) or as a creator where you have the power to make your dreams a reality and have more control over the direction of your life.
The Dreaded Drama Triangle
Recently I experienced a strong drama triangle that got me researching to understand it more and find out how to get out of it. The drama triangle comes from perceiving life as a victim. It involves 3 roles (hence the “triangle”!). The main role is the victim and the other two roles in the triangle are persecutor and rescuer. The persecutor seems to be the cause of the victim’s suffering and the rescuer tries to fix the victim (but actually needs them to stay in their suffering and problems so that they are needed). But one person can spin through all 3 roles I’m sure you’ve had experienced of someone who plays the victim and then they suddenly become aggressive and become the persecutor, or you’ve probably met a martyr who flits between victim and rescuer. None of these positions are healthy or empowering but we often learn to play the roles in childhood.
The Empowerment Triangle
The alternative to the drama triangle, is the empowerment triangle, which is what the book I was reading was about. Instead of victim, we have creator (or more accurately, cocreator), persecutor becomes challenger and rescuer becomes life coach. Each role comes from the perspective that you have everything you need inside you to create whatever you want and it’s linked to the idea of the law of attraction. One of the insights in the book that had such a profound impact on me was that you don’t necessarily need people to play the roles. A situation can be a rescuer or a persecutor. For example, an addiction can be a rescuer and a difficult challenge can be a persecutor. It all depends on whether you’re focusing on the problem or if you’re focusing on the bigger vision for what you want to have happen.
It dawned on me that I feel like a victim in my business. I haven’t built the systems I need to give structure to my finances and marketing. My tax return was a nightmare because I didn’t have a system and I haven’t built the marketing systems to encourage enough people to come and check out what I do. To make the point even clearer that I’m coming from the victim stance in my business, I had MAJOR problems with my marketing right around the time of experiencing the drama triangle with people. Right before all the problems started, I was starting to feel so happy that I finally getting a marketing structure and system in place after resisting for so long. But then I had major technical problems that meant I had to dismantle what I’d created. Looking back i can see the connection between the two events – I felt like a victim to the marketing problems and I was seen as a persecutor by the people I was with (and I don’t really know why other than life decided to make the triangle so bleedin’ obvious that I would have to study it!)
Death of a Dream
The other huge aha from reading “The Power of TED” was that we stay in the drama triangle when we’ve had the death of a psychic hope, wish or dream. It links so beautifully with all the research I’m doing on forgiveness because forgiveness is really about giving up on the idea that the past could be any different from how it was. Accepting that shit happened in the past, learning what you can from it and letting go of the desire for it to be any different from how it played out is what underlies true forgiveness. You accept the raw truth to get to bigger truths. But the other subtle layer to forgiveness is that it stops you being stuck in the past as a victim – hoping for a better future that can never come and wasting energy on it. The death of psychic dreams, hopes and wishes was at the root of my victim stance in the systems and structure in my business.
To explain the link, I need to just go a little deeper. I see the different aspects of our businssses as representing the masculine, feminine and child energies in us. The masculine is the structures and systems that provide the safe home for the business to be in. So websites, business plans, marketing plans would come into that too. The feminine is the nurturing and connection – so customer service, networking, the connection side of marketing and also making sure that the business nurtures your own goals and needs as well as those of your customers. The child aspect is the creativity, openness to new ideas, exploration of ideas, the enjoyment of the business and the ability to get back up again after you fall like children learning to walk do. The child is also the holder of the bigger vision for the business. So the masculie and feminine are ways to help the vision be expressed in the world and the child holds the Vision itself.
Naturally all of these are going to be influenced by actual experiences with the masculine, feminine and child figures in our lives. Not necessary people of those genders, but people who have those masculine and feminine qualities and of course, our parents or early caregivers. And that’s where the tears I mentioned come in. My dad died in 2003 of cancer and parts of me hadn’t accepted fully he was gone. He’d been a workaholic for most of his life and was always busy, so he was a kind of absent father. Highly successful in lots of ways but unable to sit and be and spend much time with us – like so many people in society. His cancer shifted his atitude. I think it healed him in some senses because he became much more present and seemed to enjoy life and being with the people around him more.
Longing for Dad, Clinging to the Past
Where’s the biggest weakness in my business? It’s in the systems. And I was being a victim towards the systems in my business and felt powerless and like I needed a rescuer. I hadn’t really let go of my dad yet. I still had old worn out hopes and dreams of a better future with him. I’m being “rescued” by what he left behind because I hadn’t let go – I live in the house he supported and built an extension for and because my lack of systems means cash flow is a problem, I’m “rescued” each month by the investments he made. It’s hard for a fiercely independent women to admit all of this, but it’s true. And it was all deeply unconscious until I was ready to deal with it.
Underneath it, my inner child was still hoping to spend more time with daddy, so she was clinging to that hope. And then my mid 20s self regretted that I was living abroad and didn’t spend more time with him before he died. Then there’s the fact that he can never walk me down the aisle or see his grandchildren or meet his son in law or daughter in law – the little but significant things that you lose when someone you love dies. And as I type, I realised it’s also the fact that he died with me in the middle of my narcissistic relationship experience, so he was left with the memory of totally the wrong person.
So pieces of me were clinging onto the hope of a different future and hadn’t fully accepted what actually happened. I hadn’t forgiven life and let go of what I was powerless to change. My relationship to the systems in my business were mirrroring this deeper block and pain that I had. As long as my energy was clinging to a false future as a victim, I didn’t have enough energy in the present to create the structure in my business that would support me, my clients and my potential clients properly. The tears I cried were the release of the old victim energy and the truth that I had to let him go on a deeper level.
I wonder now whether this is something that resonates with more people – that the problems in your business can be traced back to thwarted dreams to do with males, females or how you felt as a child. I think that to have a balanced, sustainable business, you need all three in harmony and balance with each other. If there’s something wrong in one of those, it’ll manifest as a problem in your business like my male energy problem did. My holding onto my dad after he’s gone showed up as a block in the masculine part of my business. I know businesses that communicate poorly with customers and I do wonder whether that’s a problem with the feminine energy. Then there’s businesses without a bigger vision – I do wonder what’s happening to that child energy.
If this idea resonates with you, I would love to hear from you. Please do get in touch to let me know your thoughts. Either in the comments on Facebook if you’ve clicked on it there or pinging me an email at email@example.com or messaging me on FB.
All this inner work malarkey, it can be fascinating. The more you notice your patterns of limiting thoughts, beliefs and emotions and change them, the more space there is to stand back and see what’s going on so you can change it quicker. And by changing it, you change how you’re interacting with every area of your life and it can flow better. In this post, I’m going to share a specific example from my own life of something that was unconsciously holding me back. As I healed it in myself, I typed out what was happening so that I’d be able to share and give you insights into how to shift the blocks in your life and uncover where they originated from. My example started with a comment that someone made. My emotional response to the comment was an over-reaction, which is a big clue that something else is going on….
I’m on Denise Duffield-Thomas’s “Lucky Bee Money Bootcamp” which is really about self love, getting into alignment with your definition of abundance and charging prices that reflect the value you give. One of the hardest things for anyone who is caring and/or spiritual is to set prices that reflect the value you give. Radically underpricing is a problem because somewhere along the way, you’ll probably start resenting how much you give for what you receive. Now of course the universe will always bring you back what you send out eventually, but if there’s resentment mixed in with what you’re giving, unfortunately that icky energy will come back too. Naturally it’s good to give more in value than you’re charging, but from a place of abundance rather than lack. I have to admit that my own prices have been a bit wobbly for me and what I’m going to share is based on this problem I had!
Denise teaches Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT or tapping) and forgiveness – which is a major part of the relationship work I do. The work in bootcamp is similar to what we learn to do in ThetaHealing – one of the modalities I practise and teach. I began ThetaHealing in 2009 and I rather arrogantly thought that because I’d been doing ThetaHealing on myself for so many years, there wouldn’t be much left to clear (except that my bank account says otherwise at the moment – it’s reflecting what’s going on in me)! The money bootcamp has been eye opening. Money stuff is a total rabbit hole of buried trauma, emotion and limiting beliefs. ThetaHealing, EFT (tapping) and forgiveness are awesome tools for clearing the stuff, but this is lifelong mindset stuff – each new level of growth and expansion that we go to will bring more inner “stuff” to heal and release.
Some big stuck “stuff” I uncovered on Saturday was from criticism of my prices. It was a fairly throwaway comment that I heard about my prices being too expensive. I didn’t think much at the time but then this feeling of anxiety and shame started to grow. I noticed myself getting defensive (inside my own head!) and got curious about what was going on. I let it go and then suddenly it hit me – criticism meant rejection to me! Now on a rational level, of course criticism isn’t rejection – it’s just an opinion about one aspect of what I’m doing in my life. Now I can see the root of a lot of self sabotage in my business – why would I put myself in front of lots of people if I’m afraid of being rejected if they don’t like what I do and how I think?
Now, that’s the first step in shifting the energy – getting clear on what the problem is. The next step is find out where I first put criticism and rejection together. The “theta” in ThetaHealing refers to the brainwave your brain is in between sleeping and waking and it’s where we can access the unconscious mind to make deep, lasting changes. Hypnotherapists will take their clients into a theta state. The difference in ThetaHealing is that the practitioner goes into the theta state while fully awake and the client’s brain shifts to the theta state without having to go into a trance. Of course on this occasion, I was both practitioner and client!!
The Journey to The Block
My first step in shifting this block was to go into the theta state to have source energy retrain my unconscious mind to separate criticism and rejection and to help it know the difference between those. So I went into the theta state and said:
“Creator of all that is (the name we use in ThetaHealing for source energy), it is commanded that I be taught the difference between criticism and rejection, that I know how to separate criticism from rejection and that I be taught the knowing that I can never really be rejected because I am always accepted as I am by the creator. Thank you. it is done, it is done, it is done.”
So now that my mind can relax and separate criticism from rejection, it gives my unconscious mind a boost to be able to dig deeper and find the source of the problem. You’ll notice that I also added in a higher truth about rejection – that it’s actually an illusion because we’re always accepted for you we are by god/creator/source (choose your favourite term!).
The second step was to ask my unconscious mind when it was that I first experienced criticism as rejection. I saw myself as a small child crying, so I knew that this was a DEEP programme. In the memory I’m recalling, I’ve done something that my parents disapprove of and have been shouted at by one of them (at this point, I wasn’t sure which one). And it’s really hurt my little heart, so it’s a kind of trauma. (Little children get traumatised much more easily than adults so being shouted at a person much bigger than you can be traumatic and it doesn’t necessarily need to be something abusive or life-threatening.) So I asked creator to remove the pain, shock and trauma of that time and send unconditional love to little Jacqui.
After feeling that energy flow, I tuned into little Jacqui, she’s still afraid of the adult with her who is daddy. Daddy’s actually really stressed at work and it was his work frustration that he was letting out too. The next bit of the healing I did is moving away from the ThetaHealing technique and using my own inner child healing that I’ve naturally developed. In my imagination, I sit with little Jacqui and show her a scene of daddy having big problems at work and show her the stress as a grey cloud that’s in his body. Then I’ll show her how daddy gave her the grey cloud because he didn’t know what to do with it. We’ll bring in an angel (my inner child likes and trusts angels) who will take the grey cloud away and take it back to creator to turn back into pure source energy. Now little Jacqui understands what happened to daddy and knows that he’s not rejecting her (this little Jacqui was too young to understand with a verbal explanation – she needed to see it to understand it). Now little Jacqui wants to hug daddy but he’s feeling bad. So we’re going to tell him we forgive him. We’re going to use “Ho’oponopono” the Hawaiian forgiveness ritual because it will help to find the source of the problem for daddy too and help him to heal it. I’m finding that using “Ho’oponopono” with the ThetaHealing command makes a beautiful and powerful process. I feel the energy moving and know that it’s happening.
I can feel that little Jacqui isn’t fully healed yet. Now what happened was that when she cried after being told off, she was told off again for crying. Daddy had been feeling bad and the crying was making him feel worse, so his Inner Chimp took over (have a read of “The Chimp Paradox” to find out more about the Chimp). What I’m sensing little Jacqui needs is to know that her emotions are OK. That it’s OK to let her emotions flow without fear of being shouted at or rejected. And it turned out that this was that last little bit that she really needed – she needed to know that she wouldn’t be rejected if she let her emotions flow.
Now in my imagination, daddy and little Jacqui are holding hands and smiling – experiencing the joy and happiness of their true selves together. She’s skipping and he’s smiling. My body feels lighter too after shifting the stuck thoughts, beliefs and emotions.
And now criticism and rejection aren’t the same thing in my mind. They’ve become very separate and I’ve reinforced the idea that I actually can’t really be rejected because I’m always accepted by the creator.
So that’s the end of the process and I can shut down the healing channels and come back into my body.
Reflections On The Journey
I know it sounds kind of nutty to go through these processes, but the difference to how I was feeling before and after the process was pretty striking. I’ve still got a little more “stuff” to work on around my pricing but I definitely feel better about criticism, which will help me crank up my visibility. This is a typical journey I take with my clients too but of course we never really know where the journey will lead – other than shifting the block we’re looking at because that’s what we’ve set the intention to do!
It’s always a fascinating journey to the source of the problem. To give a quick overview, what started with vague feeling of anxiety and shame turned out to be a realisation that I was feeling criticism and rejection as the same thing. Digging deeper into it, it was a childhood memory from when I was very small of where I felt rejected and criticised by there was actually more going on than my toddler mind could understand, so my toddler self needed my adult self to be with her and to show her what really happened so she could understand and let go. Letting go and healing the problem at the source means that that energy that was stuck and fragmented can be reintegrated back with the rest of me. Each time something happens that splits us off from the truth of who we are, we get left we a frozen piece of energy blocking the flow in our lives. Because life wants us to be whole, it will bring situations that can bring our attention to the frozen pieces so we can melt them and bring them back into alignment and flow with the whole system.
Check out my free relationship healing meditation that will help you remember that you and others are so much more than your earthly selves. Just like the healing ended with my dad and I being in a higher, happier place, the meditation will remind you that that’s who we really are in our true essence. Click HERE to get the meditation and to stay in touch via my mailing list <3
Furious. Frustrated. Feeling stupid. Feeling duped. Feeling like a mug. Relieved to hear you’re not the only one. Boiling resentment. Shame.
That’s how it can feel when you’ve been sold to by a narcissistic business owner – and trust me, I’ve been there myself! In this post, I’ll use my studies of narcissism and work with my clients to help explain what’s going on and why it can be so difficult to shake the negative feelings associated with narcissistic relationships.
You probably recognise at least some of these characteristics of narcissistic business people, if not all.
It’s very impressive – there might even be some really convincing facts and qualifications to make them seem highly credible
It taps into your fears and seems to alleviate them e.g. lack of money in your business or getting more subscribers
Often it involves making more money
There’s a push to buy quickly
No refunds or guarantees
No review button on their FB page
Plenty of NLP and mind triggers to get you to buy
There’ll be a sob story and probably a rags-to-riches story too
There’s an element of “poor me” going on so you feel you can’t complain
They’ll use impressive sales statistics (and not show you how many people were actually satisfied with the product or service)
They lie or twist the truth
They might have a couple of people who achieved success around to give a testimonial, but genuine testimonials are few and far between
After you’ve bought it, you realise the product or service you bought doesn’t do what they said it would do
The product or service looks flashy and fancy, but has little substance when you actually start using it
So Why Do They Do This And Why Do You Go Along With It?
Well, let’s have a look at what narcissism is and what’s going on in that person. The best explanation of narcissism that I’ve come across is by Dr Craig Malkin, author of “Rethinking Narcissism”.
His model is The Narcissism Spectrum Scale and we all fall on the scale somewhere between 0 and 10. At 10 is full-on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and at 0 is what Dr Malkin calls “Echoism”. In the original myth, Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in a pool and Echo fell in love with Narcissus. But Echo had been cursed by Hera to only ever be able to repeat back what someone else has said, so when Narcissus said “who’s there?”, Echo could only repeat back “Who’s there?” and you can imagine how frustrating that conversation was! Right in the centre of the Narcissism Spectrum Scale at 5, we have what Dr Malkin calls “Healthy Narcissism”. Yes, there is such a thing as healthy narcissism.
Anyway, the key to this scale for Dr Malkin is specialness. At the higher end, people have a need to be more special than everyone else around them. At the lower end, people have a need for other people to be more special. So you can see how dysfunctional but natural a relationship between a narcissist and an echoist would be. What’s happening at 5 with healthy narcissism is that instead of my specialness being in relation to anyone else around, I’m special in my own right and I also know that you’re special too. My specialness doesn’t diminish yours and your specialness doesn’t diminish mine. In fact, both of us shine brighter when we acknowledge and celebrate each other’s specialness.
Narcissists and Echoists lack true self esteem and true heart-centred confidence in themselves, so they look to other people outside of themselves to provide it. Healthy narcissists have near unshakeable confidence. For sure, we can move up and down the scale according to circumstances and who we’re with, but those around the middle tend to have better awareness of when their specialness starts being compared to other people.
Specialness and Sales
So let’s go back to the sales of the narcissist. They have a NEED to be more special than you, so they can’t create anything that would actually help you to outshine them. On a heart level, there is deep pain and discomfort that they have built defence mechanisms around. They’re trying to control the world outside themselves to maintain this special facade so they don’t have to go into that pain. Realising that they’re no more special than anyone else would be a big blow to their vulnerable egos.
I don’t know for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a deeply wounded and neglected inner child in there who is desperate for love and acceptance just as they are. They don’t really want attention to be conditional on them being more special but it’s just too painful for them to go to the truth. So they continue living a fantasy life – and that’s where the lies come from.
Can you see why you’re unlikely to be able to give feedback, review them or get a refund? They can’t reflect truthfully and honestly. Any hint of criticism will be met with fury (it might be veiled but it’s there) because it reflects their own deep insecurities. And the refund would hit that all important money goal they have and use to wow people. Look deeper and you’ll see they actually have money problems that they hide from others.
Why Did You Fall For It?
Don’t worry, it’s not a mirror of your true self. Yes we can all be a bit narcissistic and egotistical from time to time, but there was more going on. They tapped into your big dreams of reaching more people to help and they tapped into your desire for financial security. If you’re reading this far, I’m pretty sure that you’re the type of person who cares deeply about people and who wants to help people in your business far more than you want loads of money.
Also, if you’re at the Echoist end of the spectrum, you’re a perfect dysfunctional match for a more narcissistic person. They need to be more special and you’re more used to allowing other people to be more special than you. You’re the perfect client to meet this need in them.
When they tapped into your big dreams and financial worries, it was done with manipulative techniques and it’s my belief that when a person taps into another person’s subconscious mind to influence them for their own gain without conscious permission, a violation has happened. Part of the difficulty in trying to let go and forgive is that a piece of them is lodged in you, in your energy system. Since you can only heal and process energy that belongs to you, it’s really hard to let go of your stuck negative feelings because you can’t heal and process what isn’t yours. Instead you need a way to get rid of their energy from your system.
There Is Hope
Clearing this stuff is what I do and I’ve been doing it for people with narcissistic family members, partners or spouses. You don’t have to stay stuck with their energy and you most definitely can let it go. The main technique I use to remove foreign energy in a person’s system is ThetaHealing and then I use a powerful forgiveness process as well. Forgiveness really does bring about compassion and freedom from all kinds of sh*tty situations.
And if you recognise yourself as Echoist, you can absolutely go inside and change the beliefs keeping you trapped in the idea that everyone else is more special than you. Because they’re not. You’re here for a reason and your gifts, abilities and insights are needed and are very special. Imagine a world of healthy narcissists where we all supported and uplifted each other, and offered quality products and services that helped our ideal clients shine and be more and more successful.
So your encounter with a narcissistic business person could well be your catalyst to greater authenticity and expanding into more of your true self to reach more of the people you’re here to serve. Wouldn’t that be cool?
First Steps to Healing
I’ve created a meditation process to help you begin to get unstuck from these kinds of relationships and remember the higher truth of who you are. Not every part of you fell for the narcissistic business person’s tricks, only a part of you did, so this meditation will remind you of that. It’s a free thank you gift for signing up to my mailing list and you can find it here if you feel it calling you!
“The thorn is always in your heart; it’s just not activated until something touches it. You feel the reaction as a hollowness or a dropping sensation in your heart. If feels very uncomfortable…Stored energy from the past releases from the heart and generates thoughts.”
Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul
Many mindset books would have us believe that thoughts create feelings. But from what I’ve found, feelings have a life of their own independent of thought. Our minds can latch onto emotions and twist their helping, healing powers into all kinds of stories. To change the thoughts and carry on with how we are is to ignore a valuable opportunity for healing the heart.
When discomfort comes up, it means we’re feeling safe enough to release that old, trapped part of ourselves. By being able to sit with it and not think it away or energy heal it away, we can bring back a lost piece of ourselves and gradually return to our true, authentic power. As the heart’s blocks get cleared, a pathway opens up for more of the soul.
The more of the soul that can flow into our lives, the more we can bring heaven to earth – not just for ourselves, but for everyone.
So cherish those moments of discomfort and pain, they are vital healing messages from the soul through the heart. Holding them and giving them space allows the light of your soul to shine through them. <3
You know in your heart that what you do is a real gift and there are people out there who would really benefit from what you do.
But you just can’t seem to get a coherent marketing plan together no matter how hard you try and you feel that you don’t have enough clarity to go to a marketing professional for help either.
You probably know about limiting beliefs and have shifted loads of them and you know the law of attraction principles but your marketing plan just won’t come together.
If you’ve been in a narcissistic or highly controlling relationship, the chances are – that’s the reason. And it’s your unconscious mind protecting you from what it thinks might be harmful. Later I’ll explain why a past narcissistic relationship will interrupt your marketing but first of all, let’s take a look at what a narcissistic relationship is.
What is a narcissistic relationship?
On the most basic level, it’s a relationship where one person is unable to think about the needs of the other and they have a chronic need to be more special. Often this can actually be abusive and highly manipulative. A narcissistic person can be a master of subtle control so it can be very difficult to spot and the control can actually seem really nice – for example a partner who sweeps you off your feet with an amazing romantic dinner but it was when you had plans to do something else. It’s been compared to a frog being in a pan of water on the stove. The temperature gradually hots up and it barely noticeable for a while and then when the frog realises it’s too hot, it’s too late. That level of subtle control, repeated over time does a lot of damage to your self esteem and your self worth.
Not only that, but to stay in a narcissistic relationship long term means you need to shut down your heart so that you don’t feel the constant subtle emotional pain. And that is how those experiences and their wounds can block your marketing.
The Heart of Marketing
Marketing is really about building trusting relationships with your ideal clients and near ideal clients. Being a spiritual, heart-centred and caring business owner, you really want to connect from the heart with your audience, but when your heart is clogged up with unhealed wounds and unfelt emotions, it doesn’t leave space for that calm, true connection with your clients’ heart. You need a full, true connection with your own heart first.
That block in connection with your heart can block the connection with people who come across you through your blogs and social media posts. You’re probably creating a persona or a mask to protect your heart. But that means that you’re not showing up as the full, beautiful you that you are and your clients can’t really see you.
Now perhaps connecting in person is easier because you know who you’re dealing with. But for a wider reach, connecting with your audience via your blog or social media post is ideal. But that distance means there’s always that gamble over who will actually read it. You want the perfect clients to read it but how do you stop getting overwhelmed by all the wrong people reading it who might potentially gaslight you and manipulate you and shame you. These are very real fears for someone who’s been through what you have. The feeling of not having control over who you’re connecting with triggers that same lack of power over how the narcissist will interact with you. When they’re faceless people out there and you want to share your heart and soul with clients, is it any wonder that you might sabotage yourself to stay safe? After all, if your heart and your dreams were treated so badly by someone who was supposed to love you, why would you trust putting your work out there to potentially attract more of the same?
So how do you heal it?
The simple answer is that you trust your heart and release all the gunk that’s built up in it. Is that easy? Hell no! That’s why I was given the heart-healing gifts that I have and have had to go through plenty of experiences to sharpen those gifts up – so I can help sensitive, introverted and spiritual business owners like you to connect back with your heart, to trust it, to trust its truth and to have the whole heartspace at hand to put your unique energy frequency and signature into your marketing (and your whole business) Then your soul tribe will really recognise when they’re being called.
As a first step, I’ve created a relationship healing meditation to help you strengthen your heart and remember that you and any other person you’re having trouble with are so much more than your human selves. (Well, when I say “created” the meditation, I actually downloaded it from a place of inspiration! ) <3. Click HERE to access the meditation.
There have been some powerful energies and shifts going on this year, haven’t there? I’ve been riding them and clearing out the old to welcome in the new. My latest shifts have come from reading “The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer. What a POWERFUL and insightful book that is. I’m only halfway through and already it’s changing my whole energy and outlook and it’s even helped me understand what I actually do with my clients! I can’t recommend the book enough.
Now it may sound obvious that I should really know what I’m doing with clients – sure I’ve been trained in ThetaHealing, Esoteric Healing and oracle card reading, but what I REALLY do with clients goes beyond what I’ve been taught on those courses. You see, I feel powerful energy moving while I work with a client and I intuitively know that I need to witness it moving and help it flow on by. All of the tools I’ve learned are all ways to help this energy shift to happen. Then clients feel a lot better and lighter afterwards. And if I don’t feel the shift during a session, more than likely they will experience some kind of emotion that lasts for a day or so and then leaves. Thanks to Michael Singer’s wisdom, I now understand what is happening and I can share it with you.
Every time we don’t feel an emotion fully and let it flow, it gets stuck in our energy system and causes a block. Over time, these blocks build up until we get to a place of being numb to our emotions – our heart puts walls up. In childhood, we’re taught that certain emotions like anger or sadness, aren’t acceptable and we’re encouraged to hide them. That’s when our training begins. And then when we enter the education system, we’re taught that the intellect is more important than the heart. We have to hide and stuff down everything we’re feeling so we can focus on Maths and English and all the other academic, “important” subjects.
The trouble is, that’s not our natural state and you can’t shut your heart to some emotions and expect to feel full joy or happiness. You need full anger and sadness to experience full joy and happiness. And life has a way of throwing curveballs at us in an attempt to smash through those blocks to the heart. Breakdowns, bereavement, illness, abusive relationships, highly imbalanced political leaders – things like these can be life’s attempts at reopening our closed hearts.
It can be so easy to blame outside situations, but in reality, the most empowering and freeing thing we can do is to go into our own hearts and let them release old, stuck emotions. And that’s where someone like me comes in – by having tools to help the emotions flow in a safe space, we can gradually unlock the heart to its full potential so we can experience the fullness of what life have to offer. Richer relationships, more fulfilling jobs, more of the good feeling emotions and all of this regardless of what’s happening in the outer world. And ironically, we can think more clearly, creatively and intuitively when we’re allowing emotions to flow fully. The head works better when the heart is fully engaged.
How is your heart doing? How open do you let it get? What would life be like if you let it open to full capacity? I’ll leave you to give these questions a ponder. <3