The Shadow’s Gifts

The Shadow
Photo by Jaanus Jagomägi on Unsplash

My shadow came out.

It wasn’t pretty.

The shadow is the all the parts of ourselves that we’ve decided are unacceptable and try to stuff down out of our awareness.  But the shadow is a tricky bugger and sooner or later it will blast out from our constraints.  The late Debbie Ford called this the “beach ball effect”.  Each piece of ourselves that we try to suppress is like a beachball held under water – it takes huge amounts of energy to keep it there.  And one day when we’re tired or exhausted or stressed out and we can’t hold all of the beachballs down, they will shoot up and smack us in the face.

I’ve written this post about my experience and in the first person, but my intention is to help you connect with your own shadow self too and because that can be a daunting, overwhelming and scary idea, I’ve used “I” and “me” instead of “you”.  I do hope that this inspires you to know the gifts in your own shadow and to take a little time to explore what your shadow might be trying to tell you when one of those beach balls pops up and smacks you in the face.

The other night my beachballs smacked me in the face.  A good hint to the shadow is something that we’re really proud of in ourselves.  I’m really proud of the patience I’ve developed.  I’m really proud of the compassion I’ve developed.  I’m really proud of my ability to hold sacred space for emotional truth.   All of these really help me create the kind of space that allows for deep healing and coaching to happen.

But it’s a truth that just like yin contains yang and yang contains yin, for each element of myself that I’m proud of, I also carry the opposite in my shadow.  So my lack of patience and lack of compassion and lack of sacred space and lack of emotional truth shot out from my psyche and had me become a shouty, mean bitch.   The polar opposite of what I am in my sessions with clients.  Oops!!

And actually, that’s a good thing.  Shouty mean bitch Jacqui was probably suffocating under water and needed some air.  She’s also helping me to realise some deep and uncomfortable truths about myself and how I’ve been sabotaging my success.  And besides, she’s there all the time in the sacred space I create anyway, so inviting her wisdom in means she can add depth and help support the sacred space I like to create.

A Matter of Time

The shouty mean bitchiness came from being totally fed up of having my time wasted and messed about by someone else.   Now I know the signs that I’m in my shadow – I can’t feel my body, I’m in my head, I’m blaming someone else…  if I start trying to sort out and talk through any problems from that space, I’m not going to get very far.  Do you fancy trying to sort out a problem with someone who is blaming you alone for it?  Nah, didn’t think so!  While I’m in that blaming space, I’m being a victim, so I will cast others in roles that keep me as the powerless victim.

I knew that my own sense of  “urgh” and disconnection between my head and body meant that I had some investigative work to do to get out of victim mode.  The other day I was chatting to a colleague about the time problem that had triggered my mean, shouty bitch self.  As me and my colleague talked, we both started realising that our relationship to time was off.  We have an abundance of time and there are so many things that we could do each day to help our businesses, but we end up wasting loads of time on social media and let other people take our time from us.  We both admitted that we’re allowing people to take time from us.

So, we both vowed to explore what was going on with this time stuff and share with each other what we learned.  I found this interesting article on time on the Psychology Today website.  I felt pangs of discomfort and as I read and realised that basically, my wasting time is a disempowering choice I’m making.  It’s an unconscious sabotage to keep things as they are and not step into my light and my true power.  It’s fear and survival based living rather than love and abundance based living.

I need to take back my power, clear up any beliefs or emotions keeping me stuck in powerless victim mode and own my moment-to-moment choices about what I do.  I can dream big and create big visions about the future, but I have to commit moment by moment, piece by piece to making those dreams and visions a reality.

Valuable Pieces of Peace

It’s all valuable material for the book I’m writing and philosophy I’m (kind of) creating and living.   When I say “kind of creating”, it’s because I’m not really creating it, it’s an idea from somewhere in the ether working its way into my consciousness.  If you’ve ever read “Big Magic” by Elizabeth Gilbert, it’s like the way she describes the mysterious way ideas choose a human to come through.

The idea that chose me is called “Pieces to Peace” and the intention behind it is to help people recognise the value of each piece of themselves and the vital roles each person plays towards creating peace in our communities and globally.  Each of us is a vital piece of a greater whole.  Embracing the shadow is an important part of the philosophy because we often see our own shadows in other people and then think the person we’re projecting our shadow onto is the scum of the earth who should be destroyed – you can see how that kinda messes up peace, can’t you?  Not only that but when we stop projecting the shadow onto others and look inside ourselves to find its message, we can find it leads us to valuable gifts, blessings and realisations.

Mean, shouty bitchface Jacqui was simply trying to get my attention about how I’m spending my moments of time.  She yelled at my partner but it was really me that she was yelling at.  Like trying to shake me awake to see what I’m doing with the precious pieces of my life – the moments of each day.  I’ve been throwing away so many precious moments where I could let myself feel more alive and feel more connected to source energy and be more present.

If that piece of my shadow hadn’t popped up and smacked me in the face, I’d continue to throw away valuable pieces of my life each day.  It’s me and me alone who choose the quality of the moment.  The truth is that I’m 100% responsible for how I choose to be in each piece or moment of my life.

And so are you.  So how are you spending the precious moments of your life?  Are you fully present or do you let others take your time?  <3

Exploring Pieces to Peace More

In my explorations of this Pieces to Peace idea, a beautiful meditation process came to me.  It helps you to accept all the pieces of yourself by seeing them as a beautiful mosaic and holding that mosaic in your heart space.  The meditation then invites you to heal a difficult relationship you’ve experienced by seeing the other person in the same way.  The meditation is a free gift to subscribers of my mailing list and you can access it on this page: Get Your Free Relationship Healing Meditation.

Psychic Healers Tolerate Bad Behaviour Longer

Being a psychic healer means you know and feel the pain behind appalling behaviour. You know why someone constantly puts you down. You know why they call you names and make absurd accusations. You know why they have to deny the truth.

Because you can see, feel, hear, know or sense the pain underneath their fragile self esteem and the healer part tries not to give up on them, always hoping for better days.

You know why they go into their heads and shut off from their heart. You know why they feel they have to justify their own rightness. You know why they try to shame you into feeling socially unacceptable. You know why they need to you feel disempowered.

Because you can see, feel, hear, know or sense the pain that keeps them feeling powerless and afraid of their heart.  And you know things can be different.

Yes, they deserve our compassion and love on a soul level. That wounded inner child desperately needs love and attention.  As a child they deserved so much more than they got.

But now, you deserve your compassion just as much, if not more. You inner child deserves to be in relationships that offer safety, playfulness, happiness and nurture.

Let the healer in you work with people who are ready and willing to change their lives and who respect your ability.  Get yourself away from the presence of people who drag you down, bully, shame or blame you.

By all means, send them love.  But do it from afar. Keep your highest healer vision of love alive. But do it from afar.
Thank them for all they taught you about what love isn’t. But do it from afar.
Forgive them for their mindless behaviour.  But do it from afar and do it for your own happiness.

Yes, you have a shadow and you need to know yours. But don’t let their shadow, their projections and their psychic attacks lead you to believe that you ARE their shadow. You’re not.
You can’t control what people see in you. You can control whether you allow yourself anywhere near their energy.

Save your beautiful, caring, broken, mended, courageous healer heart for people who see it and acknowledge it.  Surround yourself with people dreaming bigger, being truthful, soaring high, lifting you up, living in alignment and taking responsibility for their lives and their own healing.

Live your life as the example of what psychic healing can actually do, not what it could potentially do.  Don’t be a victim in someone else’s drama. Be a divine co-creator of your life. <3

(My relationship healing meditation can help you remember the bigger you in relationships and separate yourself from the problems people have.  It’s a gift for signing up to my mailing list where I’ll send you more reminders of who you really are <3 You can access it here. )

What’s At The Root of Business Problems?

This is perhaps one of the most difficult and raw posts to write. The other day i devoured the book “The Power of TED” by David Emerald and I felt it resonate so deep that I knew that it would bring through profound change.

The next morning when I wrote the first draft of this post, I’d been crying because it had reached a deep place in my heart. The basic idea in the book is that there are 2 ways to approach life – either a as victim where everything happens TO you (not just crime but every event and situation) or as a creator where you have the power to make your dreams a reality and have more control over the direction of your life.

The Dreaded Drama Triangle
Recently I experienced a strong drama triangle that got me researching to understand it more and find out how to get out of it. The drama triangle comes from perceiving life as a victim. It involves 3 roles (hence the “triangle”!). The main role is the victim and the other two roles in the triangle are persecutor and rescuer. The persecutor seems to be the cause of the victim’s suffering and the rescuer tries to fix the victim (but actually needs them to stay in their suffering and problems so that they are needed). But one person can spin through all 3 roles I’m sure you’ve had experienced of someone who plays the victim and then they suddenly become aggressive and become the persecutor, or you’ve probably met a martyr who flits between victim and rescuer. None of these positions are healthy or empowering but we often learn to play the roles in childhood.

The Empowerment Triangle
The alternative to the drama triangle, is the empowerment triangle, which is what the book I was reading was about. Instead of victim, we have creator (or more accurately, cocreator), persecutor becomes challenger and rescuer becomes life coach. Each role comes from the perspective that you have everything you need inside you to create whatever you want and it’s linked to the idea of the law of attraction. One of the insights in the book that had such a profound impact on me was that you don’t necessarily need people to play the roles. A situation can be a rescuer or a persecutor. For example, an addiction can be a rescuer and a difficult challenge can be a persecutor. It all depends on whether you’re focusing on the problem or if you’re focusing on the bigger vision for what you want to have happen.

Business Victim 
It dawned on me that I feel like a victim in my business. I haven’t built the systems I need to give structure to my finances and marketing. My tax return was a nightmare because I didn’t have a system and I haven’t built the marketing systems to encourage enough people to come and check out what I do. To make the point even clearer that I’m coming from the victim stance in my business, I had MAJOR problems with my marketing right around the time of experiencing the drama triangle with people. Right before all the problems started, I was starting to feel so happy that I finally getting a marketing structure and system in place after resisting for so long. But then I had major technical problems that meant I had to dismantle what I’d created. Looking back i can see the connection between the two events – I felt like a victim to the marketing problems and I was seen as a persecutor by the people I was with (and I don’t really know why other than life decided to make the triangle so bleedin’ obvious that I would have to study it!)

Death of a Dream
The other huge aha from reading “The Power of TED” was that we stay in the drama triangle when we’ve had the death of a psychic hope, wish or dream. It links so beautifully with all the research I’m doing on forgiveness because forgiveness is really about giving up on the idea that the past could be any different from how it was. Accepting that shit happened in the past, learning what you can from it and letting go of the desire for it to be any different from how it played out is what underlies true forgiveness. You accept the raw truth to get to bigger truths. But the other subtle layer to forgiveness is that it stops you being stuck in the past as a victim – hoping for a better future that can never come and wasting energy on it. The death of psychic dreams, hopes and wishes was at the root of my victim stance in the systems and structure in my business.
To explain the link, I need to just go a little deeper. I see the different aspects of our businssses as representing the masculine, feminine and child energies in us. The masculine is the structures and systems that provide the safe home for the business to be in. So websites, business plans, marketing plans would come into that too. The feminine is the nurturing and connection – so customer service, networking, the connection side of marketing and also making sure that the business nurtures your own goals and needs as well as those of your customers. The child aspect is the creativity, openness to new ideas, exploration of ideas, the enjoyment of the business and the ability to get back up again after you fall like children learning to walk do. The child is also the holder of the bigger vision for the business. So the masculie and feminine are ways to help the vision be expressed in the world and the child holds the Vision itself.

Naturally all of these are going to be influenced by actual experiences with the masculine, feminine and child figures in our lives. Not necessary people of those genders, but people who have those masculine and feminine qualities and of course, our parents or early caregivers. And that’s where the tears I mentioned come in. My dad died in 2003 of cancer and parts of me hadn’t accepted fully he was gone. He’d been a workaholic for most of his life and was always busy, so he was a kind of absent father. Highly successful in lots of ways but unable to sit and be and spend much time with us – like so many people in society. His cancer shifted his atitude. I think it healed him in some senses because he became much more present and seemed to enjoy life and being with the people around him more.

Longing for Dad, Clinging to the Past
Where’s the biggest weakness in my business? It’s in the systems. And I was being a victim towards the systems in my business and felt powerless and like I needed a rescuer. I hadn’t really let go of my dad yet. I still had old worn out hopes and dreams of a better future with him. I’m being “rescued” by what he left behind because I hadn’t let go – I live in the house he supported and built an extension for and because my lack of systems means cash flow is a problem, I’m “rescued” each month by the investments he made. It’s hard for a fiercely independent women to admit all of this, but it’s true. And it was all deeply unconscious until I was ready to deal with it.

Underneath it, my inner child was still hoping to spend more time with daddy, so she was clinging to that hope. And then my mid 20s self regretted that I was living abroad and didn’t spend more time with him before he died. Then there’s the fact that he can never walk me down the aisle or see his grandchildren or meet his son in law or daughter in law – the little but significant things that you lose when someone you love dies. And as I type, I realised it’s also the fact that he died with me in the middle of my narcissistic relationship experience, so he was left with the memory of totally the wrong person.

So pieces of me were clinging onto the hope of a different future and hadn’t fully accepted what actually happened. I hadn’t forgiven life and let go of what I was powerless to change. My relationship to the systems in my business were mirrroring this deeper block and pain that I had. As long as my energy was clinging to a false future as a victim, I didn’t have enough energy in the present to create the structure in my business that would support me, my clients and my potential clients properly.  The tears I cried were the release of the old victim energy and the truth that I had to let him go on a deeper level.

I wonder now whether this is something that resonates with more people – that the problems in your business can be traced back to thwarted dreams to do with males, females or how you felt as a child. I think that to have a balanced, sustainable business, you need all three in harmony and balance with each other. If there’s something wrong in one of those, it’ll manifest as a problem in your business like my male energy problem did. My holding onto my dad after he’s gone showed up as a block in the masculine part of my business. I know businesses that communicate poorly with customers and I do wonder whether that’s a problem with the feminine energy. Then there’s businesses without a bigger vision – I do wonder what’s happening to that child energy.

If this idea resonates with you, I would love to hear from you. Please do get in touch to let me know your thoughts. Either in the comments on Facebook if you’ve clicked on it there or pinging me an email at or messaging me on FB.

Thank you for reading <3

How Do You Change What’s Holding You Back?

All this inner work malarkey, it can be fascinating. The more you notice your patterns of limiting thoughts, beliefs and emotions and change them, the more space there is to stand back and see what’s going on so you can change it quicker.  And by changing it, you change how you’re interacting with every area of your life and it can flow better. In this post, I’m going to share a specific example from my own life of something that was unconsciously holding me back.  As I healed it in myself, I typed out what was happening so that I’d be able to share and give you insights into how to shift the blocks in your life and uncover where they originated from.  My example started with a comment that someone made.  My emotional response to the comment was an over-reaction, which is a big clue that something else is going on….

I’m on Denise Duffield-Thomas’s “Lucky Bee Money Bootcamp” which is really about self love, getting into alignment with your definition of abundance and charging prices that reflect the value you give. One of the hardest things for anyone who is caring and/or spiritual is to set prices that reflect the value you give.  Radically underpricing is a problem because somewhere along the way, you’ll probably start resenting how much you give for what you receive. Now of course the universe will always bring you back what you send out eventually, but if there’s resentment mixed in with what you’re giving, unfortunately that icky energy will come back too.  Naturally it’s good to give more in value than you’re charging, but from a place of abundance rather than lack. I have to admit that my own prices have been a bit wobbly for me and what I’m going to share is based on this problem I had!

Denise teaches Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT or tapping) and forgiveness – which is a major part of the relationship work I do. The work in bootcamp is similar to what we learn to do in ThetaHealing – one of the modalities I practise and teach.  I began ThetaHealing in 2009 and I rather arrogantly thought that because I’d been doing ThetaHealing on myself for so many years, there wouldn’t be much left to clear  (except that my bank account says otherwise at the moment – it’s reflecting what’s going on in me)!   The money bootcamp has been eye opening.  Money stuff is a total rabbit hole of buried trauma, emotion and limiting beliefs.  ThetaHealing, EFT (tapping) and forgiveness are awesome tools for clearing the stuff, but this is lifelong mindset stuff – each new level of growth and expansion that we go to will bring more inner “stuff” to heal and release.

Some big stuck “stuff” I uncovered on Saturday was from criticism of my prices.  It was a fairly throwaway comment that I heard about my prices being too expensive. I didn’t think much at the time but then this feeling of anxiety and shame started to grow. I noticed myself getting defensive (inside my own head!) and got curious about what was going on. I let it go and then suddenly it hit me – criticism meant rejection to me! Now on a rational level, of course criticism isn’t rejection – it’s just an opinion about one aspect of what I’m doing in my life. Now I can see the root of a lot of self sabotage in my business – why would I put myself in front of lots of people if I’m afraid of being rejected if they don’t like what I do and how I think?

Now, that’s the first step in shifting the energy – getting clear on what the problem is. The next step is find out where I first put criticism and rejection together. The “theta” in ThetaHealing refers to the brainwave your brain is in between sleeping and waking and it’s where we can access the unconscious mind to make deep, lasting changes.  Hypnotherapists will take their clients into a theta state.  The difference in ThetaHealing is that the practitioner goes into the theta state while fully awake and the client’s brain shifts to the theta state without having to go into a trance.  Of course on this occasion, I was both practitioner and client!!

The Journey to The Block

Photo by Uroš Jovičić on Unsplash

My first step in shifting this block was to go into the theta state to have source energy retrain my unconscious mind to separate criticism and rejection and to help it know the difference between those. So I went into the theta state and said:

“Creator of all that is (the name we use in ThetaHealing for source energy), it is commanded that I be taught the difference between criticism and rejection, that I know how to separate criticism from rejection and that I be taught the knowing that I can never really be rejected because I am always accepted as I am by the creator. Thank you. it is done, it is done, it is done.”

So now that my mind can relax and separate criticism from rejection, it gives my unconscious mind a boost to be able to dig deeper and find the source of the problem.  You’ll notice that I also added in a higher truth about rejection – that it’s actually an illusion because we’re always accepted for you we are by god/creator/source (choose your favourite term!).

The second step was to ask my unconscious mind when it was that I first experienced criticism as rejection.  I saw myself as a small child crying, so I knew that this was a DEEP programme.  In the memory I’m recalling, I’ve done something that my parents disapprove of and have been shouted at by one of them (at this point, I wasn’t sure which one).  And it’s really hurt my little heart, so it’s a kind of trauma.  (Little children get traumatised much more easily than adults so being shouted at a person much bigger than you can be traumatic and it doesn’t necessarily need to be something abusive or life-threatening.)   So I asked creator to remove the pain, shock and trauma of that time and send unconditional love to little Jacqui.

After feeling that energy flow, I tuned into little Jacqui, she’s still afraid of the adult with her who is daddy. Daddy’s actually really stressed at work and it was his work frustration that he was letting out too. The next bit of the healing I did is moving away from the ThetaHealing technique and using my own inner child healing that I’ve naturally developed.  In my imagination, I sit with little Jacqui and show her a scene of daddy having big problems at work and show her the stress as a grey cloud that’s in his body.  Then I’ll show her how daddy gave her the grey cloud because he didn’t know what to do with it.  We’ll bring in an angel (my inner child likes and trusts angels) who will take the grey cloud away and take it back to creator to turn back into pure source energy.  Now little Jacqui understands what happened to daddy and knows that he’s not rejecting her (this little Jacqui was too young to understand with a verbal explanation – she needed to see it to understand it).   Now little Jacqui wants to hug daddy but he’s feeling bad. So we’re going to tell him we forgive him. We’re going to use “Ho’oponopono” the Hawaiian forgiveness ritual because it will help to find the source of the problem for daddy too and help him to heal it.   I’m finding that using “Ho’oponopono” with the ThetaHealing command makes a beautiful and powerful process.  I feel the energy moving and know that it’s happening.

I can feel that little Jacqui isn’t fully healed yet. Now what happened was that when she cried after being told off, she was told off again for crying.  Daddy had been feeling bad and the crying was making him feel worse, so his Inner Chimp took over (have a read of “The Chimp Paradox” to find out more about the Chimp). What I’m sensing little Jacqui needs is to know that her emotions are OK. That it’s OK to let her emotions flow without fear of being shouted at or rejected. And it turned out that this was that last little bit that she really needed – she needed to know that she wouldn’t be rejected if she let her emotions flow.

Now in my imagination, daddy and little Jacqui are holding hands and smiling – experiencing the joy and happiness of their true selves together. She’s skipping and he’s smiling.  My body feels lighter too after shifting the stuck thoughts, beliefs and emotions.

And now criticism and rejection aren’t the same thing in my mind. They’ve become very separate and I’ve reinforced the idea that I actually can’t really be rejected because I’m always accepted by the creator.

So that’s the end of the process and I can shut down the healing channels and come back into my body.

Reflections On The Journey 

I know it sounds kind of nutty to go through these processes, but the difference to how I was feeling before and after the process was pretty striking.  I’ve still got a little more “stuff” to work on around my pricing but I definitely feel better about criticism, which will help me crank up my visibility.  This is a typical journey I take with my clients too but of course we never really know where the journey will lead – other than shifting the block we’re looking at because that’s what we’ve set the intention to do!

It’s always a fascinating journey to the source of the problem. To give a quick overview, what started with vague feeling of anxiety and shame turned out to be a realisation that I was feeling criticism and rejection as the same thing. Digging deeper into it, it was a childhood memory from when I was very small of where I felt rejected and criticised by there was actually more going on than my toddler mind could understand, so my toddler self needed my adult self to be with her and to show her what really happened so she could understand and let go.  Letting go and healing the problem at the source means that that energy that was stuck and fragmented can be reintegrated back with the rest of me.  Each time something happens that splits us off from the truth of who we are, we get left we a frozen piece of energy blocking the flow in our lives.  Because life wants us to be whole, it will bring situations that can bring our attention to the frozen pieces so we can melt them and bring them back into alignment and flow with the whole system.

Check out my free relationship healing meditation that will help you remember that you and others are so much more than your earthly selves.  Just like the healing ended with my dad and I being in a higher, happier place, the meditation will remind you that that’s who we really are in our true essence.  Click HERE to get the meditation and to stay in touch via my mailing list <3

The Power Of What You Used To Fear

It’s funny how the things you feared years ago can become an integral part of your life and purpose.  Angels and past lives were 2 such things for me and yet now I’m using them to help people feel much better, heal from the past and resolve burning problems.

Is there something you’ve feared in the past that you do quite happily now?  Or is there something you fear now that could be a skill or valuable insight in the future?  This quote by Marianne Williamson sums up the reason for these kinds of fears:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”  Marianne Williamson

Fear of Seeing Angels

When I was still recovering from my mental breakdown, my mum gave me a book on angels by Diana Cooper.  I loved the idea of them, but the thought of actually seeing one scared the bejesus out of me!  Now, I’m merrily doing Doreen Virtue’s Angel Intuitive course and fully embracing the connection with angels.  Although, I have to admit – I don’t actually “see” angels in the way I feared I might then, it’s more a knowing and a feeling that their energy is around.  And it’s far from scary 🙂

Fear of Seeing Past Lives 

The same was true of hearing about past lives for the first time.  I loved the Celestine Prophecy and bought the experiential guide that goes with it to dive deeper into the ideas in it.  But when I read the follow up book, “The Tenth Insight” and it started talking about past lives … ooh, fear alert…fear alert! AND there was an experiential guide for the Tenth Insight too – I thought “eek… there must be something in this!  Help – my version of reality is crumbling!!!”  Yeah, there was a lot of fear about that but also a lot of curiosity too.

Fast forward a few years and I quite happily took a course of past life regression therapy, did a course in it and do it with clients now too.  I have to admit, my mum was the first person I practiced past life regression hypnotherapy on and it  did freak me out because she became a child describing a lady on a ducking stool.  There was that moment of “oh crap – what if I can’t bring her back and she’s stuck like that?!”  But fortunately the unconscious mind is wiser than our fears.  She came back to normal consciousness with no problems and with a vivid memory of the past life she saw.

Is it all real?  Does is matter?

Past life regression, Angels – these are function of the unconscious mind.  Yes, I do think they are figments of the imagination but I also think they’re functions of the imagination.  Are they real?  Well, they might be, they might not be – it’s a matter of personal belief.  But what I do know is that belief is a powerful thing and using these techniques helps people to feel better and that’s the most important thing.  <3

If you’d like to have a go at connecting with your angels to experience their energy and support for yourself, I’m running a one day workshop on June 24th in Chandlers Ford, Hampshire.  We’ll explore ways to connect and how to receive messages as well as connecting with the Inner Child too.  It’ll be a day of nurture and self-care as you relax into the arms of the angels.  Details are here:

I would absolutely love to welcome you along!

Love Jacqui xxx


10 Tips to Heal After Narcissism

To fully regain your power and confidence after the shattering effects of narcissism, I believe you need a holistic approach – mind, body, emotions and spirit working in harmony with each other.   When each of these pieces of your earthly self is supporting the others, you open up space for your heart and soul to infuse your life with love and you can stand in your unique truth.  Ultimately, after all of the lies and distortions of the narcissist, you need to stand in your truth to heal and take your power back.

The Lie of “not good enough”

The chances are that if a narcissist came into your life, you’re a caring, empathic soul who believes a better, fairer world is possible and wants to help people with your knowledge, experience and skills.  Quite probably you lacked confidence and put others’ needs before your own and if you were raised by a narcissist, you probably learned to put your narcissist parent’s needs before your own and regularly feel guilty if you don’t.  During the healing process, it’s vital to look after yourself so that you have the energy and presence to dive deep to heal the wounds of “never good enough” and “my needs don’t matter”.  You are more than good enough and your needs matter and when you truly believe that, you can contribute even more.

So here are 10 tips for taking care of yourself along your healing journey to wholeness:

  1. Remember that Life Loves You.  This is one of Louise Hay’s most famous affirmations and the title of a beautiful book she co-wrote with Dr. Robert Holden.  The “you” that is being loved by life is not your ego or self image, it’s your soul and true self.  Your ego and self image most certainly did not want to experience the devastating effects of a narcissist, but on a soul level you know that you have learned so many valuable lessons that have helped you evolve and grow and break out of the ego’s hold over your life.  Relationships can smash our hearts open like nothing else so that we move out of our heads and into our hearts.  
  2. Cut the energetic ties to the narcissist.  Even when the narcissist is physically distant from you, if they have energy ties to you, they will still be siphoning off your energy leaving you depleted and confused.  When you think about what they did, this will reactivate the wounds and keep the flow of energy to them.  So visualise any hooks, threads or ties being cut and severed.  You may need to consult an energy healer to help with this.
  3. Learn to connect with your heart and gradually let go of your head’s dominance.  In school you were taught to obey rules and not question authority.  You were also taught by example every day that head-based activities have value and heart/right brain activities are frivolous.  That may be true for getting into college or university but it’s most definitely not true for living a fulfilling life and healing from the shattering effects of narcissism.  I have a meditation here to help you do this and it’s the first stage of my programme for healing from Narcissism.
  4. Make self care your top priority.  Get in touch with your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs.  Give yourself some quiet space to ask within what those needs are and promise yourself that you will commit to meeting as many as you can.  The more you meet your own needs, the more you teach your mind, emotions, body and spirit that you are true to your word.  And the more you are true to your own word, the more trust you can build in your life.
  5. Make time to rest when you need to.  You’ve been using enormous amounts of energy in your relationship. Your healing journey requires deep work and it’s important to take time to rest and rejuvenate.
  6. Get to know your emotions and what messages they are communicating to you.  In their healthy state, they are just messages to alert you to things you haven’t noticed and help you flow with what’s happening in life.  Old, stuck emotions can affect the natural flow of emotions because we were never taught how to listen to and act on our emotions.  Here are a few examples of emotions in their healthy, flowing states:
    • Healthy anger alerts us the fact that someone else is violating our boundaries and we need to take some action (it needn’t be fiery and strong – it can simply be an assertive “no”).
    • Healthy sadness helps us let go of what’s not serving us anymore.  Tears help us release physically and energetically.
    • Healthy shame alerts us to reflect on our actions because they could be violating someone else’s boundaries.
    • Healthy fear helps us focus on our surroundings and bring our attention to the present moment.
  7. Find a greater meaning for your experience that you can use to contribute to people’s lives.  Humans are meant to help each other and when you can find a higher purpose for your experiences where you inspire and help others, you can handle anything and heal yourself.
  8. Learn about the power of your unconscious beliefs (particularly ones around your worthiness and enoughness) and find ways to change them so they help you live more happily and confidently.  Beliefs influence how you feel about yourself and the moment to moment decisions that you make each day.  ThetaHealing is the main method I use because it gets to very deep-seated beliefs beyond those created in your own lifetime.  Our beliefs are not only influenced by our childhood, but also by our ancestors and the collective unconscious.  Gradually reprogramming your mind with less limiting beliefs like “I’m not enough” and more empowering beliefs like “I’m enough” and “I’m worthy” helps you raise your vibration and make more empowering decisions moment by moment.  It’s these moment by moment decisions that create your whole life experience.
  9. Be truthful with yourself.  Even the ugliest, most painful truth is a firmer foundation than forced positive thinking.  Your body feels the truth and responds to it, so to rebuild the inner trust, you need to be truthful.  Once you’ve been truthful, you can start to look for positives and solutions.  But your solutions and positives will have more impact if they come from the truth first.
  10. Learn to forgive.  No doubt the toughest of all the tips here but the most transformational.  And yet this is what will truly set you free.  True forgiveness happens in the heart and takes time, but it’s the key to shifting from being a victim to taking back your power.  Forgiveness takes you from your head and opens your heart.  

These are my tips from what’s helped my clients and me to get to feeling true, free and empowered after experiencing the shame, self-doubt and fear left from narcissistic and controlling relationships.

If you feel called, I would love to walk with you on your healing journey.  I have created a programme to help you heal and stand in your heart’s truth and power.  My clients who’ve experienced it have called it life changing and transformational.  You can find details of my healing programme here.

May you know your true worth and be guided by your heart.

Jacqui xxx

How Does Money Connect With The Heart?

Money and Healing the Heart
Money and Healing the Heart
What’s on earth has money got to do with the heart?
Surely there’s no heart in money?

 Well, for those of us on the path, our finances are a rich place to explore where we have trapped, unprocessed emotions blocking our natural flow of universal energy (chi/ki/prana).  An important part of spiritual growth and raising our vibration is to open our hearts and heal them so that we can be vessels for unconditional love.  All of those old, unprocessed emotions are like frozen shards of energy that prevent the flow of love and energy in our lives.

Today I’m celebrating some small financial goals.  They are goals that have needed a little attention every week to built up to bigger goals and they’re also goals that have required some heart and soul searching to work on.  The first one is that I’ve finally got my credit card debt from 4 figures to 3 figures.  The other one is that I’ve saved up another £100 to add my emergency fund.

Why are these such emotional goals?

Well because a lot of debt creation and unhealthy spending habits are the result of limiting beliefs and a way of avoiding deeper emotional pain.  Many of us get the message from society that we’re just not enough and if we only had product X or Y or Z, we’d solve our problems and get the love and attention from people that we’re all craving.  The truth is that we don’t need to have or do or be anything to deserve to be loved.  Often our Inner Child is still searching for the unconditional love that our parents couldn’t quite show us.  Even the most well meaning of parents can give us the impression that we’re not quite enough to deserve their full love and attention.  And then our unconscious needs and emotions can be manipulated by those trying to sell their products – and at worst this can create debt as our fragile egos try to draw love to us.

I most certainly created my credit card debt on an ego basis of thinking that there were many things I “needed” to be “enough” in business and to present a certain image that I thought people would want from me.  I do feel some feelings of shame at having created this debt because someone who’s done as much inner work as I have “shouldn’t” have embarrassing debt.  But as I embrace my true path, I see more and more that it’s all about opening the heart as wide as possible and embracing all the rawness and darkness inside so we can heal it and open up to higher and higher levels of love.  My finances might not yet be bringing wealth in terms of money but they are certainly bringing a wealth of healing to my heart, which is bringing  more happiness and joy.

My debt shone a light on areas of my heart and mind that were frozen from past emotions.  My lack of having any savings or an emergency fund were a reflection of my habit of creating excess stress for myself because I somehow decided I didn’t deserve peace and happiness.

My financial freedom mentor has taught me how to get peace of mind from money and get myself out of debt.  As well as opening my heart more, it’s a deep process of creating strong foundations to build huge dreams and visions on.   You can find out more about her and watch an amazing free webinar by her here.

So my financial worries have been a great gift from beyond to open my heart.  If you can relate and are on the path but frustrated with problems that seem to be getting in your way, do contact me for a chat on how I can help you use them to open your heart and connect to your true self more.  I have a very special offer package on for a limited time.

Email or call 07794 975304 to find out more and start opening your heart to greater inner peace and joy.


Energy Detoxing for Manifesting Your Highest Vision

Many people know about the Law of Attraction and the idea that what’s happening in our lives is a vibrational match to what’s going on in us.  But the difficulty with this is that a lot of our vibration is set by unconscious thinking pattens and old, stuck emotions waiting to be processed.  The great Swiss Psychiatrist and healer of the soul, Carl Gustav Jung said:

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” C.G. Jung

So in terms of the Law of Attraction, if you have a higher vision for your life and it doesn’t seem to be coming about, the chances are that life and your unconscious mind are cooperating to help you bring your unconscious issues into the light.  Once they’re in the light, you have the power to heal and process these issues so that they can stop weighing down your energy and help you vibrate at the level of your vision more and more.

But sometimes this process can feel like you’ve taken a step backwards before you move forwards.  I do warn my clients that even though they may feel great right after a session, they may well then experience emotions like anger or sadness for a short period of time.  It’s like an energy detox.  If you’ve ever tried a detox, you’ll know that as your body processes out the toxins, you can feel a bit off.  But once you’ve let the toxins flow away, your body can balance itself again.  It’s the same with the mind and with your energy.  The trick is to surrender and just let the energy flow.  If you try to resist, you just keep it in place.  If you let it go, it can do its thing and flow on by.

I was reminded of this today because I experienced very high energies last night at a talk that almost completely got rid of the stress and tension that I was holding in my body.  For most of this morning, I continued to feel empowered, free and stress-free but as I continued working, gradually the stress creeped in and then I even started having mild depressive thoughts when I got home.  It was like a longing for that higher vibration and a sadness that I wasn’t already living every day like that.  The main culprit was going on Facebook.  For some reason I was extra sensitive to what people were saying and extra self critical.

Then in a flash I remembered that that lady giving the talk last night said I would experience a lot of detoxing.  And it was like a weight was lifted.  Instead of fighting against the thoughts and emotions, I surrendered to them – knowing that actually it was just old, stuck energy coming into my conscious awareness so they could be acknowledged, processed and released – helping me to get closer and closer to the vibration of my big vision.

And now, I’m feeling more balance.  Someday I do hope to live most of my days at that wonderful high frequency, but for now I’m happy to keep diving deep and letting myself regularly detox.  I’m safe in the knowledge that I’m gradually raising my vibration in a sustainable way.  And safe in the knowledge that I’m practising what I preach to my clients and students.

If you have a sense that you’re moving towards a bigger vision but feel weighed down at the moment, I would love to help you.  Just get in contact using the form below and we can schedule a chat to see if my sessions are the right fit for you now.

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Sharing is Essential #mentalwellbeing

This evening I watched “Life After Suicide” on BBC1.  It was a fascinating and deeply sad documentary on suicide, its effects and its causes.

A lot of my work involves uncovering unhelpful thinking patterns and changing them.  I haven’t seen suicidal clients but this programme said it was a combination of deep despair and a feeling of no way out that would make someone likely to commit suicide.

While I don’t have direct experience of suicide, I have experienced mental health problems and understand the lack of control over your own mind.  In my case, after a period of a lack of sleep I became highly paranoid and believed I’d sold my soul to the devil.  I had shared my heart with someone I loved who was unavailable and distant.  The distance meant that my mind projected all kinds of things onto him and in my unbalanced state, archetypes from the unconscious dominated my thinking.  I saw way too much synchronicity and read far too deeply into the events happening around me.  Eventually, I got to a point of thinking that I had become a channel for evil and that my friends and family would all gradually be killed off.  At the time, my dad actually was suffering from cancer and one of my friends was feeling down and saying he would be better off dead.  I thought I’d caused it all.

I remember vividly standing in the shower in my flat and thinking “I have to kill myself to end this and protect my family.”  But fortunately another part of me recognise that this wasn’t really me.  When I got to work that day, I talked to a colleague who was a good friend and while I didn’t share the depths of what I was thinking, I shared enough for her to help me see my perspective might be wrong.

But the most healing aspect of all for me was talking to my best friend.  She doesn’t realise what a great friend and what a great natural healer she is, but she saved me.  In fact, she was with me at my worst and gently tried to pull me out of my own abyss.  I hadn’t shared the depths of my despair while it was happening, but later I did.  She didn’t once judge me or give me advice.  She just let me speak.  What I always found from being listened to like that, was that as I spoke and explained what was going on, I would be giving myself advice.

How many of us have really experienced that level of deep listening?  How many of us try to jump in with suggestions and advice?  If more of us could learn to hold space for a fellow human in their times of pain without jumping in to “fix” or “advise”, we’d live in a different world.  People in pain would have the sacred space necessary to process their own pain and draw out their natural healing abilities to heal it.  Perhaps we’d have fewer mental health problems.

Personally, after watching the BBC programme,  I’m now even more grateful for the friends I could share with.   They empowered me to draw out my own healing wisdom and set me on a path of empowerment and that’s why I do what I do today.  I got through to the other side.

Freedom and the Inner Child

Last night I gave a talk and mini-workshop on Connecting with the Inner Child at Horndean Positive Living Group.

Connecting with your Inner Child is vital to creating your own version of heaven on Earth.  The Inner Child is the bridge between the ego (our false, small self) and the soul (our true, expansive self).  The Inner Child carries all the qualities that can help bring humanity forward –

  • curiosity
  • wonder
  • emotional expression
  • creativity
  • non-judgment
  • spontaneity
  • being immersed in the moment
  • imagination
  • vision
  • joy
  • vitality

In fact, these are qualities that spiritual development involves.  For example, from a spiritual development perspective, the art of manifesting encourages us to use all of these to turn our highest visions into reality.  We need imagination and vision to aim higher.  We need creativity to make it happen and be adaptable.  We need non-judgment, spontaneity, vitality and joy and to be immersed in the moment in order to detach from the outcome to let universal energies do their job.

But for so many of us, childhood was a time of restricting and shutting down all of these qualities.  It was a survival mechanism to adapt to the environment we were brought up in.  And because our unconscious minds were wide open, all of the learning and adaptation went deep, deep into our psyches.   It no wonder we have expressions like “a leopard can’t change its spots” and we create beliefs that “people don’t change” because the learning is so deeply ingrained that it can seem impossible to change.

However, deep and lasting change IS possible.  Everyone can recover all of these child-like qualities and live their own version of heaven.  But it isn’t an overnight process and it does require commitment to change.  Through deep healing practices like ThetaHealing we can change the deep seated learning and rewire the brain.  In my experience we also then need to process the old emotions that got repressed and blocked to release their energy and restore  our natural, healthy emotional flow.

And once we’ve done that, there is a freedom that comes.  We’re free from the burdens of the past.  We’re free to be joyful, spontaneous and vibrant.  We’re free to live life on our own terms.  We’re free to have fun.  We’re free to live the highest expression of our souls.  We’re free of judgment and restriction.  We’re free to thrive.

That kind of freedom is an expression of love. 

If you’d like to begin or continue your journey of connecting with your Inner Child, I’ll be running workshops in Eastleigh, Hampshire, UK.  The first one  is on 20th March, 2016.  Details are on my events page.