Being a psychic healer means you know and feel the pain behind appalling behaviour. You know why someone constantly puts you down. You know why they call you names and make absurd accusations. You know why they have to deny the truth.
Because you can see, feel, hear, know or sense the pain underneath their fragile self esteem and the healer part tries not to give up on them, always hoping for better days.
You know why they go into their heads and shut off from their heart. You know why they feel they have to justify their own rightness. You know why they try to shame you into feeling socially unacceptable. You know why they need to you feel disempowered.
Because you can see, feel, hear, know or sense the pain that keeps them feeling powerless and afraid of their heart. And you know things can be different.
Yes, they deserve our compassion and love on a soul level. That wounded inner child desperately needs love and attention. As a child they deserved so much more than they got.
But now, you deserve your compassion just as much, if not more. You inner child deserves to be in relationships that offer safety, playfulness, happiness and nurture.
Let the healer in you work with people who are ready and willing to change their lives and who respect your ability. Get yourself away from the presence of people who drag you down, bully, shame or blame you.
By all means, send them love. But do it from afar. Keep your highest healer vision of love alive. But do it from afar.
Thank them for all they taught you about what love isn’t. But do it from afar.
Forgive them for their mindless behaviour. But do it from afar and do it for your own happiness.
Yes, you have a shadow and you need to know yours. But don’t let their shadow, their projections and their psychic attacks lead you to believe that you ARE their shadow. You’re not.
You can’t control what people see in you. You can control whether you allow yourself anywhere near their energy.
Save your beautiful, caring, broken, mended, courageous healer heart for people who see it and acknowledge it. Surround yourself with people dreaming bigger, being truthful, soaring high, lifting you up, living in alignment and taking responsibility for their lives and their own healing.
Live your life as the example of what psychic healing can actually do, not what it could potentially do. Don’t be a victim in someone else’s drama. Be a divine co-creator of your life. <3
(My relationship healing meditation can help you remember the bigger you in relationships and separate yourself from the problems people have. It’s a gift for signing up to my mailing list where I’ll send you more reminders of who you really are <3 You can access it here. )
All this inner work malarkey, it can be fascinating. The more you notice your patterns of limiting thoughts, beliefs and emotions and change them, the more space there is to stand back and see what’s going on so you can change it quicker. And by changing it, you change how you’re interacting with every area of your life and it can flow better. In this post, I’m going to share a specific example from my own life of something that was unconsciously holding me back. As I healed it in myself, I typed out what was happening so that I’d be able to share and give you insights into how to shift the blocks in your life and uncover where they originated from. My example started with a comment that someone made. My emotional response to the comment was an over-reaction, which is a big clue that something else is going on….
I’m on Denise Duffield-Thomas’s “Lucky Bee Money Bootcamp” which is really about self love, getting into alignment with your definition of abundance and charging prices that reflect the value you give. One of the hardest things for anyone who is caring and/or spiritual is to set prices that reflect the value you give. Radically underpricing is a problem because somewhere along the way, you’ll probably start resenting how much you give for what you receive. Now of course the universe will always bring you back what you send out eventually, but if there’s resentment mixed in with what you’re giving, unfortunately that icky energy will come back too. Naturally it’s good to give more in value than you’re charging, but from a place of abundance rather than lack. I have to admit that my own prices have been a bit wobbly for me and what I’m going to share is based on this problem I had!
Denise teaches Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT or tapping) and forgiveness – which is a major part of the relationship work I do. The work in bootcamp is similar to what we learn to do in ThetaHealing – one of the modalities I practise and teach. I began ThetaHealing in 2009 and I rather arrogantly thought that because I’d been doing ThetaHealing on myself for so many years, there wouldn’t be much left to clear (except that my bank account says otherwise at the moment – it’s reflecting what’s going on in me)! The money bootcamp has been eye opening. Money stuff is a total rabbit hole of buried trauma, emotion and limiting beliefs. ThetaHealing, EFT (tapping) and forgiveness are awesome tools for clearing the stuff, but this is lifelong mindset stuff – each new level of growth and expansion that we go to will bring more inner “stuff” to heal and release.
Some big stuck “stuff” I uncovered on Saturday was from criticism of my prices. It was a fairly throwaway comment that I heard about my prices being too expensive. I didn’t think much at the time but then this feeling of anxiety and shame started to grow. I noticed myself getting defensive (inside my own head!) and got curious about what was going on. I let it go and then suddenly it hit me – criticism meant rejection to me! Now on a rational level, of course criticism isn’t rejection – it’s just an opinion about one aspect of what I’m doing in my life. Now I can see the root of a lot of self sabotage in my business – why would I put myself in front of lots of people if I’m afraid of being rejected if they don’t like what I do and how I think?
Now, that’s the first step in shifting the energy – getting clear on what the problem is. The next step is find out where I first put criticism and rejection together. The “theta” in ThetaHealing refers to the brainwave your brain is in between sleeping and waking and it’s where we can access the unconscious mind to make deep, lasting changes. Hypnotherapists will take their clients into a theta state. The difference in ThetaHealing is that the practitioner goes into the theta state while fully awake and the client’s brain shifts to the theta state without having to go into a trance. Of course on this occasion, I was both practitioner and client!!
The Journey to The Block
My first step in shifting this block was to go into the theta state to have source energy retrain my unconscious mind to separate criticism and rejection and to help it know the difference between those. So I went into the theta state and said:
“Creator of all that is (the name we use in ThetaHealing for source energy), it is commanded that I be taught the difference between criticism and rejection, that I know how to separate criticism from rejection and that I be taught the knowing that I can never really be rejected because I am always accepted as I am by the creator. Thank you. it is done, it is done, it is done.”
So now that my mind can relax and separate criticism from rejection, it gives my unconscious mind a boost to be able to dig deeper and find the source of the problem. You’ll notice that I also added in a higher truth about rejection – that it’s actually an illusion because we’re always accepted for you we are by god/creator/source (choose your favourite term!).
The second step was to ask my unconscious mind when it was that I first experienced criticism as rejection. I saw myself as a small child crying, so I knew that this was a DEEP programme. In the memory I’m recalling, I’ve done something that my parents disapprove of and have been shouted at by one of them (at this point, I wasn’t sure which one). And it’s really hurt my little heart, so it’s a kind of trauma. (Little children get traumatised much more easily than adults so being shouted at a person much bigger than you can be traumatic and it doesn’t necessarily need to be something abusive or life-threatening.) So I asked creator to remove the pain, shock and trauma of that time and send unconditional love to little Jacqui.
After feeling that energy flow, I tuned into little Jacqui, she’s still afraid of the adult with her who is daddy. Daddy’s actually really stressed at work and it was his work frustration that he was letting out too. The next bit of the healing I did is moving away from the ThetaHealing technique and using my own inner child healing that I’ve naturally developed. In my imagination, I sit with little Jacqui and show her a scene of daddy having big problems at work and show her the stress as a grey cloud that’s in his body. Then I’ll show her how daddy gave her the grey cloud because he didn’t know what to do with it. We’ll bring in an angel (my inner child likes and trusts angels) who will take the grey cloud away and take it back to creator to turn back into pure source energy. Now little Jacqui understands what happened to daddy and knows that he’s not rejecting her (this little Jacqui was too young to understand with a verbal explanation – she needed to see it to understand it). Now little Jacqui wants to hug daddy but he’s feeling bad. So we’re going to tell him we forgive him. We’re going to use “Ho’oponopono” the Hawaiian forgiveness ritual because it will help to find the source of the problem for daddy too and help him to heal it. I’m finding that using “Ho’oponopono” with the ThetaHealing command makes a beautiful and powerful process. I feel the energy moving and know that it’s happening.
I can feel that little Jacqui isn’t fully healed yet. Now what happened was that when she cried after being told off, she was told off again for crying. Daddy had been feeling bad and the crying was making him feel worse, so his Inner Chimp took over (have a read of “The Chimp Paradox” to find out more about the Chimp). What I’m sensing little Jacqui needs is to know that her emotions are OK. That it’s OK to let her emotions flow without fear of being shouted at or rejected. And it turned out that this was that last little bit that she really needed – she needed to know that she wouldn’t be rejected if she let her emotions flow.
Now in my imagination, daddy and little Jacqui are holding hands and smiling – experiencing the joy and happiness of their true selves together. She’s skipping and he’s smiling. My body feels lighter too after shifting the stuck thoughts, beliefs and emotions.
And now criticism and rejection aren’t the same thing in my mind. They’ve become very separate and I’ve reinforced the idea that I actually can’t really be rejected because I’m always accepted by the creator.
So that’s the end of the process and I can shut down the healing channels and come back into my body.
Reflections On The Journey
I know it sounds kind of nutty to go through these processes, but the difference to how I was feeling before and after the process was pretty striking. I’ve still got a little more “stuff” to work on around my pricing but I definitely feel better about criticism, which will help me crank up my visibility. This is a typical journey I take with my clients too but of course we never really know where the journey will lead – other than shifting the block we’re looking at because that’s what we’ve set the intention to do!
It’s always a fascinating journey to the source of the problem. To give a quick overview, what started with vague feeling of anxiety and shame turned out to be a realisation that I was feeling criticism and rejection as the same thing. Digging deeper into it, it was a childhood memory from when I was very small of where I felt rejected and criticised by there was actually more going on than my toddler mind could understand, so my toddler self needed my adult self to be with her and to show her what really happened so she could understand and let go. Letting go and healing the problem at the source means that that energy that was stuck and fragmented can be reintegrated back with the rest of me. Each time something happens that splits us off from the truth of who we are, we get left we a frozen piece of energy blocking the flow in our lives. Because life wants us to be whole, it will bring situations that can bring our attention to the frozen pieces so we can melt them and bring them back into alignment and flow with the whole system.
Check out my free relationship healing meditation that will help you remember that you and others are so much more than your earthly selves. Just like the healing ended with my dad and I being in a higher, happier place, the meditation will remind you that that’s who we really are in our true essence. Click HERE to get the meditation and to stay in touch via my mailing list <3
Furious. Frustrated. Feeling stupid. Feeling duped. Feeling like a mug. Relieved to hear you’re not the only one. Boiling resentment. Shame.
That’s how it can feel when you’ve been sold to by a narcissistic business owner – and trust me, I’ve been there myself! In this post, I’ll use my studies of narcissism and work with my clients to help explain what’s going on and why it can be so difficult to shake the negative feelings associated with narcissistic relationships.
You probably recognise at least some of these characteristics of narcissistic business people, if not all.
It’s very impressive – there might even be some really convincing facts and qualifications to make them seem highly credible
It taps into your fears and seems to alleviate them e.g. lack of money in your business or getting more subscribers
Often it involves making more money
There’s a push to buy quickly
No refunds or guarantees
No review button on their FB page
Plenty of NLP and mind triggers to get you to buy
There’ll be a sob story and probably a rags-to-riches story too
There’s an element of “poor me” going on so you feel you can’t complain
They’ll use impressive sales statistics (and not show you how many people were actually satisfied with the product or service)
They lie or twist the truth
They might have a couple of people who achieved success around to give a testimonial, but genuine testimonials are few and far between
After you’ve bought it, you realise the product or service you bought doesn’t do what they said it would do
The product or service looks flashy and fancy, but has little substance when you actually start using it
So Why Do They Do This And Why Do You Go Along With It?
Well, let’s have a look at what narcissism is and what’s going on in that person. The best explanation of narcissism that I’ve come across is by Dr Craig Malkin, author of “Rethinking Narcissism”.
His model is The Narcissism Spectrum Scale and we all fall on the scale somewhere between 0 and 10. At 10 is full-on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and at 0 is what Dr Malkin calls “Echoism”. In the original myth, Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in a pool and Echo fell in love with Narcissus. But Echo had been cursed by Hera to only ever be able to repeat back what someone else has said, so when Narcissus said “who’s there?”, Echo could only repeat back “Who’s there?” and you can imagine how frustrating that conversation was! Right in the centre of the Narcissism Spectrum Scale at 5, we have what Dr Malkin calls “Healthy Narcissism”. Yes, there is such a thing as healthy narcissism.
Anyway, the key to this scale for Dr Malkin is specialness. At the higher end, people have a need to be more special than everyone else around them. At the lower end, people have a need for other people to be more special. So you can see how dysfunctional but natural a relationship between a narcissist and an echoist would be. What’s happening at 5 with healthy narcissism is that instead of my specialness being in relation to anyone else around, I’m special in my own right and I also know that you’re special too. My specialness doesn’t diminish yours and your specialness doesn’t diminish mine. In fact, both of us shine brighter when we acknowledge and celebrate each other’s specialness.
Narcissists and Echoists lack true self esteem and true heart-centred confidence in themselves, so they look to other people outside of themselves to provide it. Healthy narcissists have near unshakeable confidence. For sure, we can move up and down the scale according to circumstances and who we’re with, but those around the middle tend to have better awareness of when their specialness starts being compared to other people.
Specialness and Sales
So let’s go back to the sales of the narcissist. They have a NEED to be more special than you, so they can’t create anything that would actually help you to outshine them. On a heart level, there is deep pain and discomfort that they have built defence mechanisms around. They’re trying to control the world outside themselves to maintain this special facade so they don’t have to go into that pain. Realising that they’re no more special than anyone else would be a big blow to their vulnerable egos.
I don’t know for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a deeply wounded and neglected inner child in there who is desperate for love and acceptance just as they are. They don’t really want attention to be conditional on them being more special but it’s just too painful for them to go to the truth. So they continue living a fantasy life – and that’s where the lies come from.
Can you see why you’re unlikely to be able to give feedback, review them or get a refund? They can’t reflect truthfully and honestly. Any hint of criticism will be met with fury (it might be veiled but it’s there) because it reflects their own deep insecurities. And the refund would hit that all important money goal they have and use to wow people. Look deeper and you’ll see they actually have money problems that they hide from others.
Why Did You Fall For It?
Don’t worry, it’s not a mirror of your true self. Yes we can all be a bit narcissistic and egotistical from time to time, but there was more going on. They tapped into your big dreams of reaching more people to help and they tapped into your desire for financial security. If you’re reading this far, I’m pretty sure that you’re the type of person who cares deeply about people and who wants to help people in your business far more than you want loads of money.
Also, if you’re at the Echoist end of the spectrum, you’re a perfect dysfunctional match for a more narcissistic person. They need to be more special and you’re more used to allowing other people to be more special than you. You’re the perfect client to meet this need in them.
When they tapped into your big dreams and financial worries, it was done with manipulative techniques and it’s my belief that when a person taps into another person’s subconscious mind to influence them for their own gain without conscious permission, a violation has happened. Part of the difficulty in trying to let go and forgive is that a piece of them is lodged in you, in your energy system. Since you can only heal and process energy that belongs to you, it’s really hard to let go of your stuck negative feelings because you can’t heal and process what isn’t yours. Instead you need a way to get rid of their energy from your system.
There Is Hope
Clearing this stuff is what I do and I’ve been doing it for people with narcissistic family members, partners or spouses. You don’t have to stay stuck with their energy and you most definitely can let it go. The main technique I use to remove foreign energy in a person’s system is ThetaHealing and then I use a powerful forgiveness process as well. Forgiveness really does bring about compassion and freedom from all kinds of sh*tty situations.
And if you recognise yourself as Echoist, you can absolutely go inside and change the beliefs keeping you trapped in the idea that everyone else is more special than you. Because they’re not. You’re here for a reason and your gifts, abilities and insights are needed and are very special. Imagine a world of healthy narcissists where we all supported and uplifted each other, and offered quality products and services that helped our ideal clients shine and be more and more successful.
So your encounter with a narcissistic business person could well be your catalyst to greater authenticity and expanding into more of your true self to reach more of the people you’re here to serve. Wouldn’t that be cool?
First Steps to Healing
I’ve created a meditation process to help you begin to get unstuck from these kinds of relationships and remember the higher truth of who you are. Not every part of you fell for the narcissistic business person’s tricks, only a part of you did, so this meditation will remind you of that. It’s a free thank you gift for signing up to my mailing list and you can find it here if you feel it calling you!
You know in your heart that what you do is a real gift and there are people out there who would really benefit from what you do.
But you just can’t seem to get a coherent marketing plan together no matter how hard you try and you feel that you don’t have enough clarity to go to a marketing professional for help either.
You probably know about limiting beliefs and have shifted loads of them and you know the law of attraction principles but your marketing plan just won’t come together.
If you’ve been in a narcissistic or highly controlling relationship, the chances are – that’s the reason. And it’s your unconscious mind protecting you from what it thinks might be harmful. Later I’ll explain why a past narcissistic relationship will interrupt your marketing but first of all, let’s take a look at what a narcissistic relationship is.
What is a narcissistic relationship?
On the most basic level, it’s a relationship where one person is unable to think about the needs of the other and they have a chronic need to be more special. Often this can actually be abusive and highly manipulative. A narcissistic person can be a master of subtle control so it can be very difficult to spot and the control can actually seem really nice – for example a partner who sweeps you off your feet with an amazing romantic dinner but it was when you had plans to do something else. It’s been compared to a frog being in a pan of water on the stove. The temperature gradually hots up and it barely noticeable for a while and then when the frog realises it’s too hot, it’s too late. That level of subtle control, repeated over time does a lot of damage to your self esteem and your self worth.
Not only that, but to stay in a narcissistic relationship long term means you need to shut down your heart so that you don’t feel the constant subtle emotional pain. And that is how those experiences and their wounds can block your marketing.
The Heart of Marketing
Marketing is really about building trusting relationships with your ideal clients and near ideal clients. Being a spiritual, heart-centred and caring business owner, you really want to connect from the heart with your audience, but when your heart is clogged up with unhealed wounds and unfelt emotions, it doesn’t leave space for that calm, true connection with your clients’ heart. You need a full, true connection with your own heart first.
That block in connection with your heart can block the connection with people who come across you through your blogs and social media posts. You’re probably creating a persona or a mask to protect your heart. But that means that you’re not showing up as the full, beautiful you that you are and your clients can’t really see you.
Now perhaps connecting in person is easier because you know who you’re dealing with. But for a wider reach, connecting with your audience via your blog or social media post is ideal. But that distance means there’s always that gamble over who will actually read it. You want the perfect clients to read it but how do you stop getting overwhelmed by all the wrong people reading it who might potentially gaslight you and manipulate you and shame you. These are very real fears for someone who’s been through what you have. The feeling of not having control over who you’re connecting with triggers that same lack of power over how the narcissist will interact with you. When they’re faceless people out there and you want to share your heart and soul with clients, is it any wonder that you might sabotage yourself to stay safe? After all, if your heart and your dreams were treated so badly by someone who was supposed to love you, why would you trust putting your work out there to potentially attract more of the same?
So how do you heal it?
The simple answer is that you trust your heart and release all the gunk that’s built up in it. Is that easy? Hell no! That’s why I was given the heart-healing gifts that I have and have had to go through plenty of experiences to sharpen those gifts up – so I can help sensitive, introverted and spiritual business owners like you to connect back with your heart, to trust it, to trust its truth and to have the whole heartspace at hand to put your unique energy frequency and signature into your marketing (and your whole business) Then your soul tribe will really recognise when they’re being called.
As a first step, I’ve created a relationship healing meditation to help you strengthen your heart and remember that you and any other person you’re having trouble with are so much more than your human selves. (Well, when I say “created” the meditation, I actually downloaded it from a place of inspiration! ) <3. Click HERE to access the meditation.
What if envy had a vital message? What if all of the darker emotions had vital messages for us? What if being true to yourself means honouring all of the emotions?
The idea of the 4 Elements appears in many traditions and cultures. The Kabbalah, Astrology, The Tarot, Native American wisdom – all of these use the idea that we’re made up of the 4 basic elements of earth, water, air and fire. These 4 elements correspond to different part of our human selves:
Earth – the physical body
Water – the emotions
Air – thoughts and beliefs, the intellect
Fire – our creativity, imagination, intuition and the spiritual self
Having total wellbeing means that all 4 elements are working in harmony with each other and are balanced. The problem we have in western societies is that the air element tends to overpower all the others. In many education systems, intellectual achievement is valued over everything else. Wiser schools and colleges know that creativity (fire), movement in the physical body (earth) and emotional intelligence (water) are just as vital to our overall intelligence as pure academic enquiry is.
The darker emotions (water) like envy, anger, fear and shame are only darker because we rarely bring them into the light of awareness. But when we take the time to listen to their messages, they can give us invaluable insights to navigate whatever we’re facing and find the truth of it. The deeper truth is always healing.
Whenever I feel one of the darker emotions come up, my first place to look it up is Karla McLaren’s excellent book “The Language of Emotions”. Emotions originate in the lower parts of the brain – the limbic system and they are responses to our environment – both the external environment (around our physical bodies) and in response to our internal beliefs and thoughts. When we get the higher parts of the brain that deal with thinking to connect up with and work with the lower parts of the brain, we get more control over our state and can move through problems and issues with more ease. Life is richer and fuller. This is air and water working together.
But when the thinking part of the brain is cut off from the emotions, we can buy into collective thinking and ideas that stunt our own development and keep us small. For example, the idea that emotions are primitive and dumb and should never be on show became a collective belief about emotions. Living from this intellect-centred view shuts off a vital part of ourselves that brings integrity to our whole systems. We have the evidence of what a lack of emotion does to us – humans can commit unspeakable acts of violence and cruelty when there is no regulation from emotions, such as in the case of some psychopaths, sociopaths and extreme narcissists. But those who feel emotions richly are often the great healers and compassionate, visionary contributors to society.
I noticed my own envy coming up about other people’s business successes. Karla differentiates between jealousy and envy. She says that jealousy is about unfaithfulness or deceit in close relationships whereas envy is about “unfair distribution of resources or recognition”. Boy, oh boy does that resonate for me! “Why do all these other business owners get to have thriving businesses (i.e. good income) and recognition when I’m struggling?” The clue to answering this question my mind invented is in Karla’s empathic practice for dealing with envy:
Discern whether you’re responding to disloyalty and unfairness in others or to your own lack of self-regard and worthiness. In either case, restore your boundaries first; then listen to your intuition and honor the anger and fear inside…envy.
The Language of Emotions, p.263
What an insight! My envy is really about my own lack of self- regard and worthiness and it’s OK to feel that and to acknowledge it. The inner work is to dive into it and see what guidance my intuition has on what my next step is. Karla has another gem of an explanation of diving into envy:
When your envy is welcomed and channelled honorably, it will help you uncover unhealed issues and traumas that continue to haunt your present-day behavior. p.276
When I did deep dive into it, sure enough, there was a massive unhealed trauma and belief about being abandoned by important meant. It was blocking the flow of masculine energy in me and now it’s healed, the flow has restored. I’ll share more about this on a Facebook live because there are useful insights for everyone on the spiritual path.
By taking the time to stop, listen in and honour the insights that envy brought me, my energetic system is flowing better leaving me with better wellbeing in the present. All the answers we really need are inside. I call this inner healing wisdom our soul’s song. We just need to get still and quiet enough to listen to its message and let it work its magic.
I’m creating a programme to help balance out the 4 elements and listen to the soul song. I’ll do both an online course-based and a 1-1 session based version of the course. If you’d be interested in being a beta tester for either version at a reduced rate, please do get in contact by FB message or email firstname.lastname@example.org
Here’s to embracing ALL of the emotions and letting the water element live fully in our lives. <3
November 2008, on a psychic development workshop right by Mount Fuji, I set the intention to do Inner Child Healing. After I said my intention out loud, my teacher saw an angel carrying a child flow right through my body. And what a ride it’s been since then!
When you set powerful intentions like that, you get everything you need to make it happen. Inner Child Healing is a beautiful, gentle and yet powerful way to reconnect with your true self. And what we’re really doing is simply listening to the Inner Child’s needs and meeting them. They’re usually very simple needs like space to be creative, to be heard, to play or have fun. Children live in the moment and can be great spiritual teachers and the same goes for your Inner Child. They may be small but they are equally as wise as any adult and a great ally in bringing about a greater sense of wellbeing and happiness.
My Inner Child Healing training has come from a combination of taking courses, studying and mostly the life experiences that have come. In particular, working in nurseries has meant that I’ve worked with some of the best childcare practitioners in the area to see how they get the best out of children.
The way I work with the Inner Child is to make sure my client feels relaxed and at ease, then go into a theta state where we can access the unconscious mind and spiritual guidance, and then I “see” or “sense” the client’s Inner Child. S/he will communicate with me and I interact with him or her like a nursery practitioner – reassuringly, asking questions and encouraging creativity. The creative solutions that the Inner Child can come up with are incredible sometimes – e.g. turning a narcissistic spouse into an octopus and safely putting them in a tank of water to stop them putting their “energy tentacles” into the client!
So it’s not so much that Inner Child gets healing, it’s that s/he helps with what the client needs healing and my job is to hold a safe space, listen and encourage the child’s creativity. Adding Angels to work with the Inner Child adds an extra layer of love, safety and gentle power to the healing work.
If you’d like to learn how to connect with and use the healing wisdom of your Inner Child and Angels, I’m running a one-day workshop at The Mantra Rooms in Chandlers Ford on 24th June. The event details are here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/connect-with-your-angels-and-inner-child-tickets-34596937371
Early bird tickets of just £33 (plus Eventbrite fees) are available until the end of May. Usual ticket price is £44 (plus fees).
In my last blog post, I posted 8 signs you’re being manipulated and said that I would write a post on how to set stronger boundaries. Here are 8 ways to do that and suggestions on ways to help you do them.
Trust, trust, trust your intuition and your heart over your head. Trust your gut feelings and knowing. They’re always right. I have a meditation to help you practice connecting with your heart here . The more you connect with your heart and soul, the more you can connect with your intuition and listen to your gut feelings.
Get to know your own emotions so that you recognise which are yours and which belong to someone else. If you’re sensitive, you’ll pick up on other people’s emotions. Your emotions (particularly the ones from your heart and soul) have a very different feel from other people’s. Insecure people may put up a front of being confident and in control, but they project their own feelings of insecurity onto you to manipulate your feelings and hide their own insecurities. Foreign emotions in your body and energy can’t flow and you can never get to the true message they are trying to convey. Healthy anger alerts you to when someone is violating your boundary and is telling you to take action to protect yourself. (Anger in its healthy, flowing form is assertiveness. Unhealthy anger is uncomfortable and often uncontrollable.) Karla McLaren has fantastic explanations of each of the emotions and here is her fantastic explanation of anger.
Notice when guilt arises and disengage from the conversation. Guilt is a social weapon of choice against, caring, sensitive, empathic types like you and me. You start feeling guilty because of their problems when there is very little you can do to solve anyone’s problems, let alone theirs. Sharing problems in a safe space with people who allow each other to be vulnerable safely is entirely different from one-sided sharing of problems that cuts off vulnerability and authenticity. The latter kind of problem sharing will inevitably make you feel guilty, never good enough and like you’re the cause of the person’s problem. Someone who shuns responsibility for their problems and instead blames others for them cannot be helped until they take ownership of their own problems. If you notice the guilt arising, politely remove yourself from the conversation. Do step 5 to make sure their energy is gone from your system.
Beware of “poor me” games. Often you will notice guilt arising too but it’s useful to spot the onset of the “poor me” game before you notice guilt. In the Celestine Prophecy, we’re introduced to the idea of control dramas, which are ways of controlling other people to get energy flowing to us. The antidote, according to the book, is to have such a strong connection to source energy that you can bring the underlying control into the light of awareness and the drama stops. With a regular person, this may be the case, but with a particularly manipulative or controlling person like a narcissist, you’re not dealing with the same constitution and this just won’t work unless you are at Jesus/Buddha/enlightened master level of consciousness. The “Poor me” drama (and the other control drama patterns of aloof, intimidator and interrogator) is used simply to manipulate you into giving your time, attention and energy to their needs. They are taking advantage of your caring nature for their own ends and don’t care about you. That can sound harsh, but these are people who simply function differently from the other 99% or so of the population. Once you notice a “poor me” game in progress, keep your energy inside your energy boundary and politely withdraw from the conversation. Do step number 5 to make sure there’s no energy residue.
Break the energetic connection between you. You can visualise removing their energy from your body and aura and turning it into an object or shape, and then image giving that object or shape to the guardian angel of the manipulator. There is no need for you to heal this energy yourself and it’s not your responsibility. Another way to break the energy is to visualise Archangel Michael being with you and asking him to use his sword to cut the energy. Then witness as he powerfully and safely brings his sword down to sever the energy cords.
Value YOUR needs. Get in touch with what it is that you need and do whatever you need to to get your needs met. This makes your energy far stronger and more resilient to any challenges in life. If you’re not used to listening to your needs, go gently and practice tuning into what you need moment by moment. Maybe you need more fun, creative time, maybe you need better nutrition, maybe you need to journal to connect with your feelings. Only you can know what you truly need. <3
Limit your time with manipulative people as much as you can. Some people cannot be changed and it’s best to withdraw and limit time around them. You can send them love from afar but unless you’re a spiritual master, you’re unlikely to be able to stay centred and balanced around them.
Cleanse yourself with your preferred method of energy clearing. Examples of this are: salt baths, pure incense, crystals for energy clearing (such as clear quartz that you’ve programmed, citrine, amethyst or any crystal that you intuitively sense will help you), high frequency tuning forks such as those by Suara Sound, reiki or some other form of energy healing. Keep your vibration high and you’ll be more strongly connected to your true self. And who you truly are can never be manipulated by anyone <3
These are just 8 suggestions. If you have any more tips and suggestions, do add them in the comments below. The more resources we have to share on dealing with manipulation, the more we can limit its power over us. The patterns of fear, control and manipulation that keep us small are gradually dissolving away and the more we can set strong boundaries and walk away, the more these patterns can be left firmly in humanity’s past.
By the way, if the manipulative person is one of your parents, my healing from toxic parents programme is for you. It’s designed for those who had a toxic parent such as a narcissist and who are more spiritually minded. It will help you release yourself through deep forgiveness and give your inner child what s/he has always needed.
Details are here: Spiritual Healing From Toxic Parents Programme
One of our most ugly ways of communicating with each other is through manipulation. Instead of owning our vulnerabilities and coming from the heart, we go into our heads and try to make others feel bad for our own insecurities. Now I have to hold my hand up and say I’ve used this on others and am in the learning process of eliminating it from my communication. But there’s a big difference between using controlling communication from time to time and doing it all the time. All of us can get fearful and lapse into trying to control but often we’ll notice it, stop ourselves and make changes. But for some people, it’s become such a deeply ingrained habit that this is the only way they know how to communicate. It can also be a form of abuse.
Here are some of the signs of being manipulated:
You feel like you have to walk on eggshells
You feel you have to choose your words very carefully to avoid upset
You may feel pain or uncomfortable emotion in your body
You feel a need to justify your actions
You feel guilty
You’re criticised for doing things you like to do
You’re made to feel like you’re responsible for someone else’s pain
You’re lied to
If you recognise any of these signs in someone around you now, it’s a good idea to create stronger boundaries and increase your protection. If this is how you are being treated daily by anybody, I want you to know that this is absolutely NOT OK and you deserve much, much better. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, honesty and openness.
I created a blog post on boundaries and protection here.
There is a chance that the person manipulating you is a narcissist. You can see details of my programme for healing after narcissistic abuse here and just reading this may help you understand your situation better and realise some changes you can make.
Wishing you all the love and kindness you truly deserve.
was a day of remembering that I love Inner Child work. Our childhoods have such a far reaching influence on our lives, that this little person still inside us needs care and attention as much as anyone does. But yesterday Inner Child Healing went in a fascinating new direction.
Learning is Power
As a teacher, I believe in the power of learning and of teaching people skills to become independent. I’ve never wanted to be the kind of healer that people come to again and again to “fix” problems. I always want to teach self-healing skills alongside my healing sessions. But many of us weren’t empowered as children and our voices weren’t heard. We had to follow the rules and listen to authority figures. In the process we lost touch with our own guidance and intuition. It got squashed by following the authority figures in our lives. Times are changing and the trend in childcare is for learning to be child-led and with far greater understanding of normal child behaviour and development. But for those of us who didn’t receive this kind of nursery education, our Inner Child is dying to be heard.
Power of the Imagination
I use what Carl Jung would call “Active Imagination” in healing sessions. My clients’ unconscious minds show me symbols of what’s going on and I get guidance from spiritual guides and the creator on how best to help the client move forward. My job is to ask for healing and witness it – the mind is so powerful that using the imagination in this way really can help people feel better. But a fascinating process unfolded with a client on my narcissism programme recently. Usually I follow the guidance and use active imagination to witness the healing happen but on this occasion, I had to sit back and guide the Inner Child to do the healing herself once I’d asked for it. Just like a nursery school teacher would, I was prompting the child to come up with solutions to the problems we were seeing. And wow, was it effective! The Inner Child felt heard and more confident and the problems went away quickly and in a light, game-like way.
Everyone is Unique
I have no idea whether this technique will be needed again. Each session is best when it’s tailored to what the client needs and that’s the fun of working in this way. As long as we’ve set an intention for where we want to be, the unconscious mind and spiritual guidance will work together to get us there somehow. It’s such a fascinating process and it unfolds differently for different people.
Why not give this technique a try next time you have a problem? Set the intention to solve the problem, connect with your Inner Child in your imagination and prompt him or her to find creative solutions to it. Let me know how you get on if you try it! My contact details are to the left 🙂
To fully regain your power and confidence after the shattering effects of narcissism, I believe you need a holistic approach – mind, body, emotions and spirit working in harmony with each other. When each of these pieces of your earthly self is supporting the others, you open up space for your heart and soul to infuse your life with love and you can stand in your unique truth. Ultimately, after all of the lies and distortions of the narcissist, you need to stand in your truth to heal and take your power back.
The Lie of “not good enough”
The chances are that if a narcissist came into your life, you’re a caring, empathic soul who believes a better, fairer world is possible and wants to help people with your knowledge, experience and skills. Quite probably you lacked confidence and put others’ needs before your own and if you were raised by a narcissist, you probably learned to put your narcissist parent’s needs before your own and regularly feel guilty if you don’t. During the healing process, it’s vital to look after yourself so that you have the energy and presence to dive deep to heal the wounds of “never good enough” and “my needs don’t matter”. You are more than good enough and your needs matter and when you truly believe that, you can contribute even more.
So here are 10 tips for taking care of yourself along your healing journey to wholeness:
Remember that Life Loves You. This is one of Louise Hay’s most famous affirmations and the title of a beautiful book she co-wrote with Dr. Robert Holden. The “you” that is being loved by life is not your ego or self image, it’s your soul and true self. Your ego and self image most certainly did not want to experience the devastating effects of a narcissist, but on a soul level you know that you have learned so many valuable lessons that have helped you evolve and grow and break out of the ego’s hold over your life. Relationships can smash our hearts open like nothing else so that we move out of our heads and into our hearts.
Cut the energetic ties to the narcissist. Even when the narcissist is physically distant from you, if they have energy ties to you, they will still be siphoning off your energy leaving you depleted and confused. When you think about what they did, this will reactivate the wounds and keep the flow of energy to them. So visualise any hooks, threads or ties being cut and severed. You may need to consult an energy healer to help with this.
Learn to connect with your heart and gradually let go of your head’s dominance. In school you were taught to obey rules and not question authority. You were also taught by example every day that head-based activities have value and heart/right brain activities are frivolous. That may be true for getting into college or university but it’s most definitely not true for living a fulfilling life and healing from the shattering effects of narcissism. I have a meditation here to help you do this and it’s the first stage of my programme for healing from Narcissism.
Make self care your top priority. Get in touch with your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs. Give yourself some quiet space to ask within what those needs are and promise yourself that you will commit to meeting as many as you can. The more you meet your own needs, the more you teach your mind, emotions, body and spirit that you are true to your word. And the more you are true to your own word, the more trust you can build in your life.
Make time to rest when you need to. You’ve been using enormous amounts of energy in your relationship. Your healing journey requires deep work and it’s important to take time to rest and rejuvenate.
Get to know your emotions and what messages they are communicating to you. In their healthy state, they are just messages to alert you to things you haven’t noticed and help you flow with what’s happening in life. Old, stuck emotions can affect the natural flow of emotions because we were never taught how to listen to and act on our emotions. Here are a few examples of emotions in their healthy, flowing states:
Healthy anger alerts us the fact that someone else is violating our boundaries and we need to take some action (it needn’t be fiery and strong – it can simply be an assertive “no”).
Healthy sadness helps us let go of what’s not serving us anymore. Tears help us release physically and energetically.
Healthy shame alerts us to reflect on our actions because they could be violating someone else’s boundaries.
Healthy fear helps us focus on our surroundings and bring our attention to the present moment.
Find a greater meaning for your experience that you can use to contribute to people’s lives. Humans are meant to help each other and when you can find a higher purpose for your experiences where you inspire and help others, you can handle anything and heal yourself.
Learn about the power of your unconscious beliefs (particularly ones around your worthiness and enoughness) and find ways to change them so they help you live more happily and confidently. Beliefs influence how you feel about yourself and the moment to moment decisions that you make each day. ThetaHealing is the main method I use because it gets to very deep-seated beliefs beyond those created in your own lifetime. Our beliefs are not only influenced by our childhood, but also by our ancestors and the collective unconscious. Gradually reprogramming your mind with less limiting beliefs like “I’m not enough” and more empowering beliefs like “I’m enough” and “I’m worthy” helps you raise your vibration and make more empowering decisions moment by moment. It’s these moment by moment decisions that create your whole life experience.
Be truthful with yourself. Even the ugliest, most painful truth is a firmer foundation than forced positive thinking. Your body feels the truth and responds to it, so to rebuild the inner trust, you need to be truthful. Once you’ve been truthful, you can start to look for positives and solutions. But your solutions and positives will have more impact if they come from the truth first.
Learn to forgive. No doubt the toughest of all the tips here but the most transformational. And yet this is what will truly set you free. True forgiveness happens in the heart and takes time, but it’s the key to shifting from being a victim to taking back your power. Forgiveness takes you from your head and opens your heart.
These are my tips from what’s helped my clients and me to get to feeling true, free and empowered after experiencing the shame, self-doubt and fear left from narcissistic and controlling relationships.
If you feel called, I would love to walk with you on your healing journey. I have created a programme to help you heal and stand in your heart’s truth and power. My clients who’ve experienced it have called it life changing and transformational. You can find details of my healing programme here.
May you know your true worth and be guided by your heart.