How And Why A Narcissist Sells In The Way That They Do

Furious.  Frustrated.  Feeling stupid.  Feeling duped.  Feeling like a mug.  Relieved to hear you’re not the only one.  Boiling resentment.  Shame.

That’s how it can feel when you’ve been sold to by a narcissistic business owner – and trust me, I’ve been there myself!  In this post, I’ll use my studies of narcissism and work with my clients to help explain what’s going on and why it can be so difficult to shake the negative feelings associated with narcissistic relationships.

You probably recognise at least some of these characteristics of narcissistic sales.    Please add any more you’ve noticed in the comments!

  1. It’s very impressive – there might even be some really convincing facts and qualifications to make them seem highly credible
  2. It taps into your fears and seems to alleviate them e.g. lack of money in your business, getting more interest in your products
  3. Often it involves making more money
  4. There’s a push to buy quickly
  5. No refunds or guarantees
  6. Plenty of NLP and mind triggers to get you to buy
  7. There’ll be a sob story and probably a rags-to-riches story too
  8. There’s an element of “poor me” going on so you feel you can’t complain
  9. They’ll use impressive sales statistics (and not show you how many people were actually satisfied with the product or service)
  10. They lie or twist the truth
  11. They might have a couple of people who achieved success around to give a testimonial, but genuine testimonials are few and far between
  12. After you’ve bought it, you realise the product or service you bought doesn’t do what they said it would do
  13. The product or service looks flashy and fancy, but has little substance

So Why Do They Do This And Why Do You Go Along With It?

Well, let’s have a look at what narcissism is and what’s going on in that person.  The best explanation of narcissism that I’ve come across is by Dr Craig Malkin, author of “Rethinking Narcissism”.

His model is The Narcissism Spectrum Scale and we all fall on the scale somewhere between 0 and 10.  At 10 is full-on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and at 0 is what Dr Malkin calls “Echoism”.  In the original myth, Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in a pool and Echo fell in love with Narcissus.  But Echo had been cursed by Hera to only ever be able to repeat back what someone else has said, so when Narcissus said “who’s there?”, Echo could only repeat back “Who’s there?” and you can imagine how frustrating that conversation was!  Right in the centre of the Narcissism Spectrum Scale at 5, we have what Dr Malkin calls “Healthy Narcissism”.  Yes, there is such a thing as healthy narcissism.

Anyway, the key to this scale for Dr Malkin is specialness.   At the higher end, people have a need to be more special than everyone else around them.  At the lower end, people have a need for other people to be more special.  So you can see how dysfunctional but natural a relationship between a narcissist and an echoist would be.  What’s happening at 5 with healthy narcissism is that instead of my specialness being in relations to anyone else around, I’m special in my own right and I also know that you’re special too.  My specialness doesn’t diminish yours and your specialness doesn’t diminish mine.  In fact, both of us shine brighter when we acknowledge and celebrate each other’s specialness.

Narcissists and echoists lack self esteem and true heart-centred confidence in themselves so they look to other people outside of themselves to provide it.  Healthy narcissists have near unshakeable confidence.  For sure, we can move up and down the scale according to circumstances and who we’re with, but those around the middle tend to have better awareness of when their specialness starts being compared to other people.

Specialness and Sales

So let’s go back to the sales of the narcissist.  They have a NEED to be more special than you, so they can’t create anything that would actually help you to outshine them.  On a heart level, there is deep pain and discomfort that they have built defence mechanisms around.  They’re trying to control the world outside themselves to maintain this special facade so they don’t have to go into that pain.  Realising that they’re no more special than anyone else would be a big blow to their vulnerable egos.

I don’t know for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a deeply wounded and neglected inner child in there who is desperate for love and acceptance just as they are.  They don’t really want attention to be conditional on them being more special but it’s just too painful for them to go to the truth.  So they continue living a fantasy life – and that’s where the lies come from.

Can you see why you’re unlikely to be able to give feedback, review them or get a refund?   They can’t reflect truthfully and honestly.  Any hint of criticism will be met with fury (it might be veiled but it’s there) because it reflects their own deep insecurities.  And the refund would hit that all important money goal they have and use to wow people.  Look deeper and you’ll see they probably have money problems that they hide from others.

Why Did You Fall For It?

Don’t worry, it’s not a mirror of your true self.  Yes we can all be a bit narcissistic and egotistical from time to time, but there was more going on.  They tapped into your big dreams of reaching more people to help and they tapped into your desire for financial security.  If you’re reading this far, I’m pretty sure that you’re the type of person who cares deeply about people and who wants to help people in your business far more than you want loads of money.

When they tapped into your big dreams and financial worries, it was done with manipulative techniques and it’s my belief that when a person taps into another  person’s subconscious mind to influence them for their own gain without conscious permission, a violation has happened.  Part of the difficulty in trying to let go and forgive is that a piece of them is lodged in you, in your energy system.  Since you can only heal and process energy that belongs to you, it’s really hard to let go of your stuck negative feelings because you can’t heal and process what isn’t yours.  Instead you need a way to get rid of their energy from your system.   –

There Is Hope

Clearing this stuff is what I do and I’ve been doing it for people with narcissistic family members, partners or spouses.  You don’t have to stay stuck with their energy and you most definitely can let it go.  The main technique I use to remove foreign energy in a person’s system is ThetaHealing and then I use a powerful forgiveness process as well.  Forgiveness really does bring about compassion and freedom.

Is Your Marketing Blocked By A Past Narcissistic Relationship?

You’ve studied all the marketing techniques.

You know the principles behind it.

You’ve done the ideal/perfect client worksheets.

You know in your heart that what you do is a real gift and there are people out there who would really benefit from what you do. 

But you just can’t seem to get a coherent marketing plan together no matter how hard you try and you feel that you don’t have enough clarity to go to a marketing professional for help either.

You probably know about limiting beliefs and have shifted loads of them and you know the law of attraction principles but your marketing plan just won’t come together.

If you’ve been in a narcissistic or highly controlling relationship, the chances are – that’s the reason.  And it’s your unconscious mind protecting you from what it thinks might be harmful.  Later I’ll explain why a past narcissistic relationship will interrupt your marketing but first of all, let’s take a look at what a narcissistic relationship is.

What is a narcissistic relationship?  

On the most basic level, it’s a relationship where one person is unable to think about the needs of the other and they have a chronic need to be more special.  Often this can actually be abusive and highly manipulative.  A narcissistic person can be a master of subtle control so it can be very difficult to spot and the control can actually seem really nice – for example a partner who sweeps you off your feet with an amazing romantic dinner but it was when you had plans to do something else.   It’s been compared to a frog being in a pan of water on the stove.  The temperature gradually hots up and it barely noticeable for a while and then when the frog realises it’s too hot, it’s too late.   That level of subtle control, repeated over time does a lot of damage to your self esteem and your self worth.

Not only that, but to stay in a narcissistic relationship long term means you need to shut down your heart so that you don’t feel the constant subtle emotional pain.  And that is how those experiences and their wounds can block your marketing.

The Heart of Marketing

Marketing is really about building trusting relationships with your ideal clients and near ideal clients.  Being a spiritual, heart-centred and caring business owner, you really want to connect from the heart with your audience, but when your heart is clogged up with unhealed wounds and unfelt emotions, it doesn’t leave space for that calm, true connection with your clients’ heart.  You need a full, true connection with your own heart first.

That block in connection with your heart can block the connection with people who come across you through your blogs and social media posts.  You’re probably creating a persona or a mask to protect your heart.  But that means that you’re not showing up as the full, beautiful you that you are and your clients can’t really see you.

Now perhaps connecting in person is easier because you know who you’re dealing with.   But for a wider reach, connecting with your audience via your blog or social media post is ideal.  But that distance means there’s always that gamble over who will actually read it.  You want the perfect clients to read it but how do you stop getting overwhelmed by all the wrong people reading it who might potentially gaslight you and manipulate you and shame you.  These are very real fears for someone who’s been through what you have.  The feeling of not having control over who you’re connecting with triggers that same lack of power over how the narcissist will interact with you.  When they’re faceless people out there and you want to share your heart and soul with clients, is it any wonder that you might sabotage yourself to stay safe?  After all, if your heart and your dreams were treated so badly by someone who was supposed to love you, why would you trust putting your work out there to potentially attract more of the same?

So how do you heal it?

The simple answer is that you trust your heart and release all the gunk that’s built up in it.  Is that easy?  Hell no!  That’s why I was given the heart-healing gifts that I have and have had to go through plenty of experiences to sharpen those gifts up – so I can help sensitive, introverted and spiritual business owners like you to connect back with your heart, to trust it, to trust its truth and to have the whole heartspace at hand to put your unique energy frequency and signature into your marketing (and your whole business) Then your soul tribe will really recognise when they’re being called.

As a first step, why not take my quiz to see how susceptible you are to narcissistic relationships now and to get an idea of your next steps to take on your path to healing.  You’ll also get regular tips on how to heal and at the same time, bring your soul gifts to more people <3

Take The Quiz – How Susceptible Are You To Narcissistic Relationships? Plus regular tips on how to heal yourself from narcissistic relationships AND get in touch with your unique soul gifts more.

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Gifts From Murky Depths of The Water Element

What if envy had a vital message?  What if all of the darker emotions had vital messages for us?  What if being true to yourself means honouring all of the emotions?

The idea of the 4 Elements appears in many traditions and cultures.  The Kabbalah, Astrology, The Tarot, Native American wisdom – all of these use the idea that we’re made up of the 4 basic elements of earth, water, air and fire.  These 4 elements correspond to different part of our human selves:

Earth – the physical body

Water – the emotions

Air – thoughts and beliefs, the intellect

Fire – our creativity, imagination, intuition and the spiritual self

Having total wellbeing means that all 4 elements are working in harmony with each other and are balanced.  The problem we have in western societies is that the air element tends to overpower all the others.  In many education systems, intellectual achievement is valued over everything else.  Wiser schools and colleges know that creativity (fire), movement in the physical body (earth) and emotional intelligence (water) are just as vital to our overall intelligence as pure academic enquiry is.

The darker emotions (water) like envy, anger, fear and shame are only darker because we rarely bring them into the light of awareness.  But when we take the time to listen to their messages, they can give us invaluable insights to navigate whatever we’re facing and find the truth of it.  The deeper truth is always healing.

Whenever I feel one of the darker emotions come up, my first place to look it up  is Karla McLaren’s excellent book “The Language of Emotions”.  Emotions originate in the lower parts of the brain – the limbic system and they are responses to our environment – both the external environment (around our physical bodies) and in response to our internal beliefs and thoughts.  When we get the higher parts of the brain that deal with thinking to connect up with and work with the lower parts of the brain, we get more control over our state and can move through problems and issues with more ease.  Life is richer and fuller.  This is air and water working together.

But when the thinking part of the brain is cut off from the emotions, we can buy into collective thinking and ideas that stunt our own development and keep us small.  For example, the idea that emotions are primitive and dumb and should never be on show became a collective belief about emotions.   Living from this intellect-centred view shuts off a vital part of ourselves that brings integrity to our whole systems.  We have the evidence of what a lack of emotion does to us – humans can commit unspeakable acts of violence and cruelty when there is no regulation from emotions, such as in the case of some psychopaths, sociopaths and extreme narcissists.  But those who feel emotions richly are often the great healers and compassionate, visionary contributors to society.

I noticed my own envy coming up about other people’s business successes.  Karla differentiates between jealousy and envy.  She says that jealousy is about unfaithfulness or deceit in close relationships whereas envy is about “unfair distribution of resources or recognition”.  Boy, oh boy does that resonate for me!  “Why do all these other business owners get to have thriving businesses (i.e. good income) and recognition when I’m struggling?”  The clue to answering this question my mind invented is in Karla’s empathic practice for dealing with envy:

Discern whether you’re responding to disloyalty and unfairness in others or to your own lack of self-regard and worthiness.  In either case, restore your boundaries first; then listen to your intuition and honor the anger and fear inside…envy.

The Language of Emotions, p.263

What an insight!  My envy is really about my own lack of self- regard and worthiness and it’s OK to feel that and to acknowledge it.  The inner work is to dive into it and see what guidance my intuition has on what my next step is.  Karla has another gem of an explanation of diving into envy:

When your envy is welcomed and channelled honorably, it will help you uncover unhealed issues and traumas that continue to haunt your present-day behavior.  p.276

When I did deep dive into it, sure enough, there was a massive unhealed trauma and belief about being abandoned by important meant.  It was blocking the flow of masculine energy in me and now it’s healed, the flow has restored.  I’ll share more about this on a Facebook live because there are useful insights for everyone on the spiritual path.

By taking the time to stop, listen in and honour the insights that envy brought me, my energetic system is flowing better leaving me with better wellbeing in the present.  All the answers we really need are inside.  I call this inner healing wisdom our soul’s song.  We just need to get still and quiet enough to listen to its message and let it work its magic.

 

I’m creating a programme to help balance out the 4 elements and listen to the soul song.  I’ll do both an online course-based and a 1-1 session based version of the course.  If you’d be interested in being a beta tester for either version at a reduced rate, please do get in contact by FB message or email jacquimcginn@yahoo.co.uk

Here’s to embracing ALL of the emotions and letting the water element live fully in our lives.  <3

Connecting With The Inner Child

November 2008, on a psychic development workshop right by Mount Fuji, I set the intention to do Inner Child Healing.  After I said my intention out loud, my teacher saw an angel carrying a child flow right through my body.  And what a ride it’s been since then!

When you set powerful intentions like that, you get everything you need to make it happen.  Inner Child Healing is a beautiful, gentle and yet powerful way to reconnect with your true self.  And what we’re really doing is simply listening to the Inner Child’s needs and meeting them.  They’re usually very simple needs like space to be creative, to be heard, to play or have fun.  Children live in the moment and can be great spiritual teachers and the same goes for your Inner Child.  They may be small but they are equally as wise as any adult and a great ally in bringing about a greater sense of wellbeing and happiness.

My Inner Child Healing training has come from a combination of taking courses, studying and mostly the life experiences that have come.  In particular, working in nurseries has meant that I’ve worked with some of the best childcare practitioners in the area to see how they get the best out of children.

The way I work with the Inner Child is to make sure my client feels relaxed and at ease, then go into a theta state where we can access the unconscious mind and spiritual guidance, and then I “see” or “sense” the client’s Inner Child.  S/he will communicate with me and I interact with him or her like a nursery practitioner – reassuringly,  asking questions and encouraging creativity.  The creative solutions that the Inner Child can come up with are incredible sometimes – e.g. turning a narcissistic spouse into an octopus and safely putting them in a tank of water to stop them putting their “energy tentacles” into the client!

So it’s not so much that Inner Child gets healing, it’s that s/he helps with what the client needs healing and my job is to hold a safe space, listen and encourage the child’s creativity.  Adding Angels to work with the Inner Child adds an extra layer of love, safety and gentle power to the healing work.

If you’d like to learn how to connect with and use the healing wisdom of your Inner Child and Angels, I’m running a one-day workshop at The Mantra Rooms in Chandlers Ford on 24th June.  The event details are here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/connect-with-your-angels-and-inner-child-tickets-34596937371

Early bird tickets of just £33 (plus Eventbrite fees) are available until the end of May.  Usual ticket price is £44 (plus fees).

8 Ways to Set Boundaries To Protect Yourself From Manipulative People

In my last blog post, I posted 8 signs you’re being manipulated and said that I would write a post on how to set stronger boundaries.  Here are 8 ways to do that and suggestions on ways to help you do them.

  1. Trust, trust, trust your intuition and your heart over your head.  Trust your gut feelings and knowing.  They’re always right.  I have a meditation to help you practice connecting with your heart here .  The more you connect with your heart and soul, the more you can connect with your intuition and listen to your gut feelings.
  2. Get to know your own emotions so that you recognise which are yours and which belong to someone else.  If you’re sensitive, you’ll pick up on other people’s emotions.  Your emotions (particularly the ones from your heart and soul) have a very different feel from other people’s.  Insecure people may put up a front of being confident and in control, but they project their own feelings of insecurity onto you to manipulate your feelings and hide their own insecurities.  Foreign emotions in your body and energy can’t flow and you can never get to the true message they are trying to convey.  Healthy anger alerts you to when someone is violating your boundary and is telling you to take action to protect yourself.  (Anger in its healthy, flowing form is assertiveness.  Unhealthy anger is uncomfortable and often uncontrollable.)  Karla McLaren has fantastic explanations of each of the emotions and here is her fantastic explanation of anger.
  3. Notice when guilt arises and disengage from the conversation.  Guilt is a social weapon of choice against, caring, sensitive, empathic types like you and me.  You start feeling guilty because of their problems when there is very little you can do to solve anyone’s problems, let alone theirs.  Sharing problems in a safe space with people who allow each other to be vulnerable safely is entirely different from one-sided sharing of problems that cuts off vulnerability and authenticity.  The latter kind of problem sharing will inevitably make you feel guilty, never good enough and like you’re the cause of the person’s problem.  Someone who shuns responsibility for their problems and instead blames others for them cannot be helped until they take ownership of their own problems.  If you notice the guilt arising, politely remove yourself from the conversation.  Do step 5 to make sure their energy is gone from your system.
  4. Beware of “poor me” games.  Often you will notice guilt arising too but it’s useful to spot the onset of the “poor me” game before you notice guilt.  In the Celestine Prophecy, we’re introduced to the idea of control dramas, which are ways of controlling other people to get energy flowing to us.  The antidote, according to the book, is to have such a strong connection to source energy that you can bring the underlying control into the light of awareness and the drama stops.  With a regular person, this may be the case, but with a particularly manipulative or controlling person like a narcissist, you’re not dealing with the same constitution and this just won’t work unless you are at Jesus/Buddha/enlightened master level of consciousness.  The “Poor me” drama (and the other control drama patterns of aloof, intimidator and interrogator) is used simply to manipulate you into giving your time, attention and energy to their needs.   They are taking advantage of your caring nature for their own ends and don’t care about you.  That can sound harsh, but these are people who simply function differently from the other 99% or so of the population.  Once you notice a “poor me” game in progress, keep your energy inside your energy boundary and politely withdraw from the conversation.   Do step number 5 to make sure there’s no energy residue.
  5. Break the energetic connection between you.  You can visualise removing their energy from your body and aura and turning it into an object or shape, and then image giving that object or shape to the guardian angel of the manipulator.  There is no need for you to heal this energy yourself and it’s not your responsibility.  Another way to break the energy is to visualise Archangel Michael being with you and asking him to use his sword to cut the energy.  Then witness as he powerfully and safely brings his sword down to sever the energy cords.
  6. Value YOUR needs.  Get in touch with what it is that you need and do whatever you need to to get your needs met.  This makes your energy far stronger and more resilient to any challenges in life.  If you’re not used to listening to your needs, go gently and practice tuning into what you need moment by moment.  Maybe you need more fun, creative time, maybe you need better nutrition, maybe you need to journal to connect with your feelings.  Only you can know what you truly need. <3
  7. Limit your time with manipulative people as much as you can.  Some people cannot be changed and it’s best to withdraw and limit time around them.  You can send them love from afar but unless you’re a spiritual master, you’re unlikely to be able to stay centred and balanced around them.
  8. Cleanse yourself with your preferred method of energy clearing.  Examples of this are: salt baths, pure incense, crystals for energy clearing (such as clear quartz that you’ve programmed, citrine, amethyst or any crystal that you intuitively sense will help you), high frequency tuning forks such as those by Suara Sound, reiki or some other form of energy healing.  Keep your vibration high and you’ll be more strongly connected to your true self.  And who you truly are can never be manipulated by anyone <3

These are just 8 suggestions.  If you have any more tips and suggestions, do add them in the comments below.  The more resources we have to share on dealing with manipulation, the more we can limit its power over us.  The patterns of fear, control and manipulation that keep us small are gradually dissolving away and the more we can set strong boundaries and walk away, the more these patterns can be left firmly in humanity’s past.

With love 

Jacqui xxx

By the way, if the manipulative person is one of your parents, my healing from toxic parents programme is for you.  It’s designed for those who had a toxic parent such as a narcissist and who are more spiritually minded.  It will help you release yourself through deep forgiveness and give your inner child what s/he has always needed.

Details are here: Spiritual Healing From Toxic Parents Programme

 

8 Signs You’re Being Manipulated

One of our most ugly ways of communicating with each other is through manipulation.  Instead of owning our vulnerabilities and coming from the heart, we go into our heads and try to make others feel bad for our own insecurities.  Now I have to hold my hand up and say I’ve used this on others and am in the learning process of eliminating it from my communication.  But there’s a big difference between using controlling communication from time to time and doing it all the time.  All of us can get fearful and lapse into trying to control but often we’ll notice it, stop ourselves and make changes.  But for some people, it’s become such a deeply ingrained habit that this is the only way they know how to communicate.  It can also be a form of abuse.

Here are some of the signs of being manipulated:

  1. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells
  2. You feel you have to choose your words very carefully to avoid upset
  3. You may feel pain or uncomfortable emotion in your body
  4. You feel a need to justify your actions
  5. You feel guilty
  6. You’re criticised for doing things you like to do
  7. You’re made to feel like you’re responsible for someone else’s pain
  8. You’re lied to

If you recognise any of these signs in someone around you now, it’s a good idea to create stronger boundaries and increase your protection.  If this is how you are being treated daily by anybody, I want you to know that this is absolutely NOT OK and you deserve much, much better.  You deserve to be treated with love, respect, honesty and openness.

I created a blog post on boundaries and protection here.

There is a chance that the person manipulating you is a narcissist.  You can see details of my programme for healing after narcissistic abuse here and just reading this may help you understand your situation better and realise some changes you can make.

Wishing you all the love and kindness you truly deserve.

Jacqui xxx

Inner Child Healing in a New Way

Yesterday

Denise Linn’s Soul Coaching Oracle Cards – Sanctuary

was a day of remembering that I love Inner Child work.  Our childhoods have such a far reaching influence on our lives, that this little person still inside us needs care and attention as much as anyone does.  But yesterday Inner Child Healing went in a fascinating new direction.

Learning is Power

As a teacher, I believe in the power of learning and of teaching people skills to become independent.  I’ve never wanted to be the kind of healer that people come to again and again to “fix” problems.  I always want to teach self-healing skills alongside my healing sessions.  But many of us weren’t empowered as children and our voices weren’t heard.  We had to follow the rules and listen to authority figures.  In the process we lost touch with our own guidance and intuition.  It got squashed by following the authority figures in our lives.  Times are changing and the trend in childcare is for learning to be child-led and with far greater understanding of normal child behaviour and development.  But for those of us who didn’t receive this kind of nursery education, our Inner Child is dying to be heard.

Power of the Imagination

I use what Carl Jung would call “Active Imagination” in healing sessions.  My clients’ unconscious minds show me symbols of what’s going on and I get guidance from spiritual guides and the creator on how best to help the client move forward.  My job is to ask for healing and witness it – the mind is so powerful that using the imagination in this way really can help people feel better.  But a fascinating process unfolded with a client on my narcissism programme recently.  Usually I follow the guidance and use active imagination to witness the healing happen but on this occasion, I had to sit back and guide the Inner Child to do the healing herself once I’d asked for it.  Just like a nursery school teacher would, I was prompting the child to come up with solutions to the problems we were seeing.  And wow, was it effective!  The Inner Child felt heard and more confident and the problems went away quickly and in a light, game-like way.

Everyone is Unique

I have no idea whether this technique will be needed again.  Each session is best when it’s tailored to what the client needs and that’s the fun of working  in this way.  As long as we’ve set an intention for where we want to be, the unconscious mind and spiritual guidance will work together to get us there somehow.  It’s such a fascinating process and it unfolds differently for different people.

Why not give this technique a try next time you have a problem?  Set the intention to solve the problem, connect with your Inner Child  in your imagination and prompt him or her to find creative solutions to it.  Let me know how you get on if you try it!  My contact details are to the left 🙂

10 Tips to Heal After Narcissism

To fully regain your power and confidence after the shattering effects of narcissism, I believe you need a holistic approach – mind, body, emotions and spirit working in harmony with each other.   When each of these pieces of your earthly self is supporting the others, you open up space for your heart and soul to infuse your life with love and you can stand in your unique truth.  Ultimately, after all of the lies and distortions of the narcissist, you need to stand in your truth to heal and take your power back.

The Lie of “not good enough”

The chances are that if a narcissist came into your life, you’re a caring, empathic soul who believes a better, fairer world is possible and wants to help people with your knowledge, experience and skills.  Quite probably you lacked confidence and put others’ needs before your own and if you were raised by a narcissist, you probably learned to put your narcissist parent’s needs before your own and regularly feel guilty if you don’t.  During the healing process, it’s vital to look after yourself so that you have the energy and presence to dive deep to heal the wounds of “never good enough” and “my needs don’t matter”.  You are more than good enough and your needs matter and when you truly believe that, you can contribute even more.

So here are 10 tips for taking care of yourself along your healing journey to wholeness:

  1. Remember that Life Loves You.  This is one of Louise Hay’s most famous affirmations and the title of a beautiful book she co-wrote with Dr. Robert Holden.  The “you” that is being loved by life is not your ego or self image, it’s your soul and true self.  Your ego and self image most certainly did not want to experience the devastating effects of a narcissist, but on a soul level you know that you have learned so many valuable lessons that have helped you evolve and grow and break out of the ego’s hold over your life.  Relationships can smash our hearts open like nothing else so that we move out of our heads and into our hearts.  
  2. Cut the energetic ties to the narcissist.  Even when the narcissist is physically distant from you, if they have energy ties to you, they will still be siphoning off your energy leaving you depleted and confused.  When you think about what they did, this will reactivate the wounds and keep the flow of energy to them.  So visualise any hooks, threads or ties being cut and severed.  You may need to consult an energy healer to help with this.
  3. Learn to connect with your heart and gradually let go of your head’s dominance.  In school you were taught to obey rules and not question authority.  You were also taught by example every day that head-based activities have value and heart/right brain activities are frivolous.  That may be true for getting into college or university but it’s most definitely not true for living a fulfilling life and healing from the shattering effects of narcissism.  I have a meditation here to help you do this and it’s the first stage of my programme for healing from Narcissism.
  4. Make self care your top priority.  Get in touch with your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs.  Give yourself some quiet space to ask within what those needs are and promise yourself that you will commit to meeting as many as you can.  The more you meet your own needs, the more you teach your mind, emotions, body and spirit that you are true to your word.  And the more you are true to your own word, the more trust you can build in your life.
  5. Make time to rest when you need to.  You’ve been using enormous amounts of energy in your relationship. Your healing journey requires deep work and it’s important to take time to rest and rejuvenate.
  6. Get to know your emotions and what messages they are communicating to you.  In their healthy state, they are just messages to alert you to things you haven’t noticed and help you flow with what’s happening in life.  Old, stuck emotions can affect the natural flow of emotions because we were never taught how to listen to and act on our emotions.  Here are a few examples of emotions in their healthy, flowing states:
    • Healthy anger alerts us the fact that someone else is violating our boundaries and we need to take some action (it needn’t be fiery and strong – it can simply be an assertive “no”).
    • Healthy sadness helps us let go of what’s not serving us anymore.  Tears help us release physically and energetically.
    • Healthy shame alerts us to reflect on our actions because they could be violating someone else’s boundaries.
    • Healthy fear helps us focus on our surroundings and bring our attention to the present moment.
  7. Find a greater meaning for your experience that you can use to contribute to people’s lives.  Humans are meant to help each other and when you can find a higher purpose for your experiences where you inspire and help others, you can handle anything and heal yourself.
  8. Learn about the power of your unconscious beliefs (particularly ones around your worthiness and enoughness) and find ways to change them so they help you live more happily and confidently.  Beliefs influence how you feel about yourself and the moment to moment decisions that you make each day.  ThetaHealing is the main method I use because it gets to very deep-seated beliefs beyond those created in your own lifetime.  Our beliefs are not only influenced by our childhood, but also by our ancestors and the collective unconscious.  Gradually reprogramming your mind with less limiting beliefs like “I’m not enough” and more empowering beliefs like “I’m enough” and “I’m worthy” helps you raise your vibration and make more empowering decisions moment by moment.  It’s these moment by moment decisions that create your whole life experience.
  9. Be truthful with yourself.  Even the ugliest, most painful truth is a firmer foundation than forced positive thinking.  Your body feels the truth and responds to it, so to rebuild the inner trust, you need to be truthful.  Once you’ve been truthful, you can start to look for positives and solutions.  But your solutions and positives will have more impact if they come from the truth first.
  10. Learn to forgive.  No doubt the toughest of all the tips here but the most transformational.  And yet this is what will truly set you free.  True forgiveness happens in the heart and takes time, but it’s the key to shifting from being a victim to taking back your power.  Forgiveness takes you from your head and opens your heart.  

These are my tips from what’s helped my clients and me to get to feeling true, free and empowered after experiencing the shame, self-doubt and fear left from narcissistic and controlling relationships.

If you feel called, I would love to walk with you on your healing journey.  I have created a programme to help you heal and stand in your heart’s truth and power.  My clients who’ve experienced it have called it life changing and transformational.  You can find details of my healing programme here.

May you know your true worth and be guided by your heart.

Jacqui xxx

Why I’m Glad I Met a Narcissist

There’s a lot of talk in the news about Narcissism.  Psychologists and psychiatrists are breaking their usual code of not diagnosing people in the public eye without formal assessment and giving their professional opinion that Donald Trump is a narcissist.  And I think he is serving a higher purpose for us.  What he’s doing is not pretty and it’s sure to be a rocky ride but I’m confident that we’ll come out wiser, stronger and more united than ever – as long as we can hold on during the bumpy ride.

My own experience with a narcissist was bumpy to say the least.  For years, the shame of having my mind broken by the narcissist’s games was a dark secret I kept hidden.  I (naively) thought I was the only one who’d ever fallen into those kinds of games and that no-one would ever believe what happened to me if I told them.   To be honest, for years I deeply resented the experience and felt bitter about it.  At the time it happened, a bigger, truer part of me knew that something higher was happening, but my ego wasn’t happy.  After years of learning and practising healing, studying anything and everything to do with the mind, reflecting, journalling to make sense of it, I finally found the missing piece to my peace.  And it was in owning the whole truth of my experience.  In other words, it was in being true to myself.

Born with a Soul Vision

I believe we’re born with a blueprint for our lives and that every life has a soul vision and purpose.  I believe that on a deep, soul level we agree to certain things happening in our lives so that we can learn what love truly is.  I’d like to believe that people who are narcissists and sociopaths have deep soul commitments to play their roles so that others they encounter can learn.  Life is one huge classroom and it’s only by looking back and putting the pieces together that we can see the lessons.  The rest of the time, it’s a matter of trusting that things are always working out for our highest good despite outward appearances.

Getting to Gratitude

What helped me frame my experience positively was opening up to the ideas of life after death and of the soul reincarnating.  I have to admit that the idea of reincarnation did freak me out for a while until I got used to it!   The first past life I experienced in meditation was awful (I was an abused wife in Japan who may have stabbed her abusive husband) but it taught me to go beyond my heavily academic, analytical mind to the deeper layers of the unconscious mind where all the juice happens.

Seeing life as a journey for the soul’s evolution helps to bring equality and meaning to the ups and downs of life.  Equality because we all have the potential to experience any life conditions to help us learn and grow, and meaning because when we can find the love in any situation (and it may well be hidden deep), we have everything and that’s the ultimate healer.

So I’m glad I met a narcissist because if my mind hadn’t been smashed wide open, I would have remained ignorant of these cool perspectives and life would be all the more poor today.  I wouldn’t have the richness of knowing my emotions and the depths of the unconscious mind.  I wouldn’t be able to balance and clear energy.  I wouldn’t be listening to my soul’s call.  I’d be disconnected from my physical body and from my spiritual self.  I’d be living in my head, cut off from the richness of experiencing my whole being.  The chances are that I’d still be searching outside for something to fill the inner lack.

I would love for you to feel more meaning and purpose in all the events of your life too.  Learning is a human superpower and it can transform pain into love and gratitude.

If you’ve experienced narcissism and would like to find more peace through learning too, I’ve developed a programme to help you.  It’s called “Pieces to Peace” and if you click here you’ll get the details.  If it speaks to your heart, do get in touch with me and we can arrange a discovery tool.  My experience happened so I could help you and your experience happened so you could help others too. 

Wishing you truth, love and peace

Jacqui xxx

 

Gifts from Narcissism

What’s real and what’s not real?  

On the surface, it seems like an easy question.  At least, it’s an easy question when we’re talking about things you can physically experience with your senses.  But even then, fans of “The Matrix” will know that what we think we can see, touch, taste, hear and smell are all just electrical signals from our nerve cells to our brains.  OK, that’s a really complicated philosophical discussion and well beyond my thinking capabilities!  So for sake of simplicity, let’s just assume that things we can see, touch, taste, hear and smell are real.

But what about more abstract concepts?  How do we know what is real when it comes to more abstract ideas?  I had an encounter with a narcissist that forced me to question what was real and what wasn’t.  I’ll leave the details of the encounter for another time but people that are narcissists and/or sociopaths like to exploit your weaknesses, your insecurities and take you to the edge of sanity.  It’s about power and control.  Perhaps deep down they lack power and control themselves and look out for ways to get it by controlling others.  You might have heard of one mind game that they like to play: gaslighting.  They’ll do something and then swear to you they haven’t, leaving you to question your own sanity.  Being in a place of questioning your own sanity is not pretty at all.  It’s hell.

If I did explain to you now what happened with the narcissist, you’d think I was nuts.  To be honest, I don’t know which parts were my active imagination, which parts were me wanting to see certain things and which parts were things done by the narcissist to confuse and control me.  And I never will.  But I’ve made peace with that because it doesn’t matter what happened then.  What matters is what I do with what I learned and how I can use it to help others.

Is Love Real?

And how do we know love is real?  We can’t measure it or touch it.  But we know it’s nonsense to question whether it’s real.  Right before my encounter with the narcissist, I had felt an upsurge of love.  Colours were brighter, everything was more beautiful and I was glowing.  Many people asked me if I was in love with someone.  I wish then my little mind understood that love doesn’t have to be attached to another person and that is can rise up spontaneously for no reason other than the beauty of being alive.  A quiet voice inside me knew that then.

Perhaps the narcissist was a gift from beyond to clear out all that was blocking me from having more of that experience of being in love with life.  And is that perspective based on reality?  Who on Earth knows for sure?  But I get to choose my perspective and I get to choose what happens in my inner world.

And I choose a perspective that lets me feel more love.

If you’ve had an experience with a narcissist or sociopath, I would love to hear from you.  Whether you’ve already healed or are in the process of doing so, I’d love to hear your story for a book I’m about to write on this topic.  Contact me on jacquimcginn@yahoo.co.uk