How And Why A Narcissist Sells In The Way That They Do

Furious.  Frustrated.  Feeling stupid.  Feeling duped.  Feeling like a mug.  Relieved to hear you’re not the only one.  Boiling resentment.  Shame.

That’s how it can feel when you’ve been sold to by a narcissistic business owner – and trust me, I’ve been there myself!  In this post, I’ll use my studies of narcissism and work with my clients to help explain what’s going on and why it can be so difficult to shake the negative feelings associated with narcissistic relationships.

You probably recognise at least some of these characteristics of narcissistic sales.    Please add any more you’ve noticed in the comments!

  1. It’s very impressive – there might even be some really convincing facts and qualifications to make them seem highly credible
  2. It taps into your fears and seems to alleviate them e.g. lack of money in your business, getting more interest in your products
  3. Often it involves making more money
  4. There’s a push to buy quickly
  5. No refunds or guarantees
  6. Plenty of NLP and mind triggers to get you to buy
  7. There’ll be a sob story and probably a rags-to-riches story too
  8. There’s an element of “poor me” going on so you feel you can’t complain
  9. They’ll use impressive sales statistics (and not show you how many people were actually satisfied with the product or service)
  10. They lie or twist the truth
  11. They might have a couple of people who achieved success around to give a testimonial, but genuine testimonials are few and far between
  12. After you’ve bought it, you realise the product or service you bought doesn’t do what they said it would do
  13. The product or service looks flashy and fancy, but has little substance

So Why Do They Do This And Why Do You Go Along With It?

Well, let’s have a look at what narcissism is and what’s going on in that person.  The best explanation of narcissism that I’ve come across is by Dr Craig Malkin, author of “Rethinking Narcissism”.

His model is The Narcissism Spectrum Scale and we all fall on the scale somewhere between 0 and 10.  At 10 is full-on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and at 0 is what Dr Malkin calls “Echoism”.  In the original myth, Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in a pool and Echo fell in love with Narcissus.  But Echo had been cursed by Hera to only ever be able to repeat back what someone else has said, so when Narcissus said “who’s there?”, Echo could only repeat back “Who’s there?” and you can imagine how frustrating that conversation was!  Right in the centre of the Narcissism Spectrum Scale at 5, we have what Dr Malkin calls “Healthy Narcissism”.  Yes, there is such a thing as healthy narcissism.

Anyway, the key to this scale for Dr Malkin is specialness.   At the higher end, people have a need to be more special than everyone else around them.  At the lower end, people have a need for other people to be more special.  So you can see how dysfunctional but natural a relationship between a narcissist and an echoist would be.  What’s happening at 5 with healthy narcissism is that instead of my specialness being in relations to anyone else around, I’m special in my own right and I also know that you’re special too.  My specialness doesn’t diminish yours and your specialness doesn’t diminish mine.  In fact, both of us shine brighter when we acknowledge and celebrate each other’s specialness.

Narcissists and echoists lack self esteem and true heart-centred confidence in themselves so they look to other people outside of themselves to provide it.  Healthy narcissists have near unshakeable confidence.  For sure, we can move up and down the scale according to circumstances and who we’re with, but those around the middle tend to have better awareness of when their specialness starts being compared to other people.

Specialness and Sales

So let’s go back to the sales of the narcissist.  They have a NEED to be more special than you, so they can’t create anything that would actually help you to outshine them.  On a heart level, there is deep pain and discomfort that they have built defence mechanisms around.  They’re trying to control the world outside themselves to maintain this special facade so they don’t have to go into that pain.  Realising that they’re no more special than anyone else would be a big blow to their vulnerable egos.

I don’t know for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a deeply wounded and neglected inner child in there who is desperate for love and acceptance just as they are.  They don’t really want attention to be conditional on them being more special but it’s just too painful for them to go to the truth.  So they continue living a fantasy life – and that’s where the lies come from.

Can you see why you’re unlikely to be able to give feedback, review them or get a refund?   They can’t reflect truthfully and honestly.  Any hint of criticism will be met with fury (it might be veiled but it’s there) because it reflects their own deep insecurities.  And the refund would hit that all important money goal they have and use to wow people.  Look deeper and you’ll see they probably have money problems that they hide from others.

Why Did You Fall For It?

Don’t worry, it’s not a mirror of your true self.  Yes we can all be a bit narcissistic and egotistical from time to time, but there was more going on.  They tapped into your big dreams of reaching more people to help and they tapped into your desire for financial security.  If you’re reading this far, I’m pretty sure that you’re the type of person who cares deeply about people and who wants to help people in your business far more than you want loads of money.

When they tapped into your big dreams and financial worries, it was done with manipulative techniques and it’s my belief that when a person taps into another  person’s subconscious mind to influence them for their own gain without conscious permission, a violation has happened.  Part of the difficulty in trying to let go and forgive is that a piece of them is lodged in you, in your energy system.  Since you can only heal and process energy that belongs to you, it’s really hard to let go of your stuck negative feelings because you can’t heal and process what isn’t yours.  Instead you need a way to get rid of their energy from your system.   –

There Is Hope

Clearing this stuff is what I do and I’ve been doing it for people with narcissistic family members, partners or spouses.  You don’t have to stay stuck with their energy and you most definitely can let it go.  The main technique I use to remove foreign energy in a person’s system is ThetaHealing and then I use a powerful forgiveness process as well.  Forgiveness really does bring about compassion and freedom.

Is Your Marketing Blocked By A Past Narcissistic Relationship?

You’ve studied all the marketing techniques.

You know the principles behind it.

You’ve done the ideal/perfect client worksheets.

You know in your heart that what you do is a real gift and there are people out there who would really benefit from what you do. 

But you just can’t seem to get a coherent marketing plan together no matter how hard you try and you feel that you don’t have enough clarity to go to a marketing professional for help either.

You probably know about limiting beliefs and have shifted loads of them and you know the law of attraction principles but your marketing plan just won’t come together.

If you’ve been in a narcissistic or highly controlling relationship, the chances are – that’s the reason.  And it’s your unconscious mind protecting you from what it thinks might be harmful.  Later I’ll explain why a past narcissistic relationship will interrupt your marketing but first of all, let’s take a look at what a narcissistic relationship is.

What is a narcissistic relationship?  

On the most basic level, it’s a relationship where one person is unable to think about the needs of the other and they have a chronic need to be more special.  Often this can actually be abusive and highly manipulative.  A narcissistic person can be a master of subtle control so it can be very difficult to spot and the control can actually seem really nice – for example a partner who sweeps you off your feet with an amazing romantic dinner but it was when you had plans to do something else.   It’s been compared to a frog being in a pan of water on the stove.  The temperature gradually hots up and it barely noticeable for a while and then when the frog realises it’s too hot, it’s too late.   That level of subtle control, repeated over time does a lot of damage to your self esteem and your self worth.

Not only that, but to stay in a narcissistic relationship long term means you need to shut down your heart so that you don’t feel the constant subtle emotional pain.  And that is how those experiences and their wounds can block your marketing.

The Heart of Marketing

Marketing is really about building trusting relationships with your ideal clients and near ideal clients.  Being a spiritual, heart-centred and caring business owner, you really want to connect from the heart with your audience, but when your heart is clogged up with unhealed wounds and unfelt emotions, it doesn’t leave space for that calm, true connection with your clients’ heart.  You need a full, true connection with your own heart first.

That block in connection with your heart can block the connection with people who come across you through your blogs and social media posts.  You’re probably creating a persona or a mask to protect your heart.  But that means that you’re not showing up as the full, beautiful you that you are and your clients can’t really see you.

Now perhaps connecting in person is easier because you know who you’re dealing with.   But for a wider reach, connecting with your audience via your blog or social media post is ideal.  But that distance means there’s always that gamble over who will actually read it.  You want the perfect clients to read it but how do you stop getting overwhelmed by all the wrong people reading it who might potentially gaslight you and manipulate you and shame you.  These are very real fears for someone who’s been through what you have.  The feeling of not having control over who you’re connecting with triggers that same lack of power over how the narcissist will interact with you.  When they’re faceless people out there and you want to share your heart and soul with clients, is it any wonder that you might sabotage yourself to stay safe?  After all, if your heart and your dreams were treated so badly by someone who was supposed to love you, why would you trust putting your work out there to potentially attract more of the same?

So how do you heal it?

The simple answer is that you trust your heart and release all the gunk that’s built up in it.  Is that easy?  Hell no!  That’s why I was given the heart-healing gifts that I have and have had to go through plenty of experiences to sharpen those gifts up – so I can help sensitive, introverted and spiritual business owners like you to connect back with your heart, to trust it, to trust its truth and to have the whole heartspace at hand to put your unique energy frequency and signature into your marketing (and your whole business) Then your soul tribe will really recognise when they’re being called.

As a first step, why not take my quiz to see how susceptible you are to narcissistic relationships now and to get an idea of your next steps to take on your path to healing.  You’ll also get regular tips on how to heal and at the same time, bring your soul gifts to more people <3

Take The Quiz – How Susceptible Are You To Narcissistic Relationships? Plus regular tips on how to heal yourself from narcissistic relationships AND get in touch with your unique soul gifts more.

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Trust In Yourself

Trust in…

  • your emotions
  • your body
  • your heart
  • your soul
  • your intuition
  • your spiritual gifts and abilities
  • your ability to change your thoughts
  • your ability to learn
  • your ability to set boundaries
  • your bullshit detector
  • your ability to heal the past
  • life’s wisdom
  • what life brings you
  • the idea of life happening for you
  • your ability to change the unconscious programmes running your life
  • your ability to ask for help from the right people
  • your ability to find the perfect people to help you with everything you need
  • your ability to discern who to trust and who not to trust
  • your life experiences as valuable lessons and insights to others
  • your ability to inspire others with your truth
  • your wildest, craziest dreams and visions

Trust in yourself, beautiful soul.  Trust in yourself.   <3

To help you do this, Yoga Teacher Lesley Wilson and I have created a gorgeous workshop called “Loving and Trusting Yourself Again”.  You can see the details here if you feel called to join us <3

Are You Crazy Enough To Think You Can Change The World?

Here’s to the crazy ones.
 
The misfits.
The rebels.
The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules.
And they have no respect for the status quo.
 
You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.
 
Because they change things.
They push the human race forward.
While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
 
Because the people who are crazy enough to think
they can change the world, are the ones who do.
 
-Steve Jobs

8 Ways to Set Boundaries To Protect Yourself From Manipulative People

In my last blog post, I posted 8 signs you’re being manipulated and said that I would write a post on how to set stronger boundaries.  Here are 8 ways to do that and suggestions on ways to help you do them.

  1. Trust, trust, trust your intuition and your heart over your head.  Trust your gut feelings and knowing.  They’re always right.  I have a meditation to help you practice connecting with your heart here .  The more you connect with your heart and soul, the more you can connect with your intuition and listen to your gut feelings.
  2. Get to know your own emotions so that you recognise which are yours and which belong to someone else.  If you’re sensitive, you’ll pick up on other people’s emotions.  Your emotions (particularly the ones from your heart and soul) have a very different feel from other people’s.  Insecure people may put up a front of being confident and in control, but they project their own feelings of insecurity onto you to manipulate your feelings and hide their own insecurities.  Foreign emotions in your body and energy can’t flow and you can never get to the true message they are trying to convey.  Healthy anger alerts you to when someone is violating your boundary and is telling you to take action to protect yourself.  (Anger in its healthy, flowing form is assertiveness.  Unhealthy anger is uncomfortable and often uncontrollable.)  Karla McLaren has fantastic explanations of each of the emotions and here is her fantastic explanation of anger.
  3. Notice when guilt arises and disengage from the conversation.  Guilt is a social weapon of choice against, caring, sensitive, empathic types like you and me.  You start feeling guilty because of their problems when there is very little you can do to solve anyone’s problems, let alone theirs.  Sharing problems in a safe space with people who allow each other to be vulnerable safely is entirely different from one-sided sharing of problems that cuts off vulnerability and authenticity.  The latter kind of problem sharing will inevitably make you feel guilty, never good enough and like you’re the cause of the person’s problem.  Someone who shuns responsibility for their problems and instead blames others for them cannot be helped until they take ownership of their own problems.  If you notice the guilt arising, politely remove yourself from the conversation.  Do step 5 to make sure their energy is gone from your system.
  4. Beware of “poor me” games.  Often you will notice guilt arising too but it’s useful to spot the onset of the “poor me” game before you notice guilt.  In the Celestine Prophecy, we’re introduced to the idea of control dramas, which are ways of controlling other people to get energy flowing to us.  The antidote, according to the book, is to have such a strong connection to source energy that you can bring the underlying control into the light of awareness and the drama stops.  With a regular person, this may be the case, but with a particularly manipulative or controlling person like a narcissist, you’re not dealing with the same constitution and this just won’t work unless you are at Jesus/Buddha/enlightened master level of consciousness.  The “Poor me” drama (and the other control drama patterns of aloof, intimidator and interrogator) is used simply to manipulate you into giving your time, attention and energy to their needs.   They are taking advantage of your caring nature for their own ends and don’t care about you.  That can sound harsh, but these are people who simply function differently from the other 99% or so of the population.  Once you notice a “poor me” game in progress, keep your energy inside your energy boundary and politely withdraw from the conversation.   Do step number 5 to make sure there’s no energy residue.
  5. Break the energetic connection between you.  You can visualise removing their energy from your body and aura and turning it into an object or shape, and then image giving that object or shape to the guardian angel of the manipulator.  There is no need for you to heal this energy yourself and it’s not your responsibility.  Another way to break the energy is to visualise Archangel Michael being with you and asking him to use his sword to cut the energy.  Then witness as he powerfully and safely brings his sword down to sever the energy cords.
  6. Value YOUR needs.  Get in touch with what it is that you need and do whatever you need to to get your needs met.  This makes your energy far stronger and more resilient to any challenges in life.  If you’re not used to listening to your needs, go gently and practice tuning into what you need moment by moment.  Maybe you need more fun, creative time, maybe you need better nutrition, maybe you need to journal to connect with your feelings.  Only you can know what you truly need. <3
  7. Limit your time with manipulative people as much as you can.  Some people cannot be changed and it’s best to withdraw and limit time around them.  You can send them love from afar but unless you’re a spiritual master, you’re unlikely to be able to stay centred and balanced around them.
  8. Cleanse yourself with your preferred method of energy clearing.  Examples of this are: salt baths, pure incense, crystals for energy clearing (such as clear quartz that you’ve programmed, citrine, amethyst or any crystal that you intuitively sense will help you), high frequency tuning forks such as those by Suara Sound, reiki or some other form of energy healing.  Keep your vibration high and you’ll be more strongly connected to your true self.  And who you truly are can never be manipulated by anyone <3

These are just 8 suggestions.  If you have any more tips and suggestions, do add them in the comments below.  The more resources we have to share on dealing with manipulation, the more we can limit its power over us.  The patterns of fear, control and manipulation that keep us small are gradually dissolving away and the more we can set strong boundaries and walk away, the more these patterns can be left firmly in humanity’s past.

With love 

Jacqui xxx

By the way, if the manipulative person is one of your parents, my healing from toxic parents programme is for you.  It’s designed for those who had a toxic parent such as a narcissist and who are more spiritually minded.  It will help you release yourself through deep forgiveness and give your inner child what s/he has always needed.

Details are here: Spiritual Healing From Toxic Parents Programme

 

8 Signs You’re Being Manipulated

One of our most ugly ways of communicating with each other is through manipulation.  Instead of owning our vulnerabilities and coming from the heart, we go into our heads and try to make others feel bad for our own insecurities.  Now I have to hold my hand up and say I’ve used this on others and am in the learning process of eliminating it from my communication.  But there’s a big difference between using controlling communication from time to time and doing it all the time.  All of us can get fearful and lapse into trying to control but often we’ll notice it, stop ourselves and make changes.  But for some people, it’s become such a deeply ingrained habit that this is the only way they know how to communicate.  It can also be a form of abuse.

Here are some of the signs of being manipulated:

  1. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells
  2. You feel you have to choose your words very carefully to avoid upset
  3. You may feel pain or uncomfortable emotion in your body
  4. You feel a need to justify your actions
  5. You feel guilty
  6. You’re criticised for doing things you like to do
  7. You’re made to feel like you’re responsible for someone else’s pain
  8. You’re lied to

If you recognise any of these signs in someone around you now, it’s a good idea to create stronger boundaries and increase your protection.  If this is how you are being treated daily by anybody, I want you to know that this is absolutely NOT OK and you deserve much, much better.  You deserve to be treated with love, respect, honesty and openness.

I created a blog post on boundaries and protection here.

There is a chance that the person manipulating you is a narcissist.  You can see details of my programme for healing after narcissistic abuse here and just reading this may help you understand your situation better and realise some changes you can make.

Wishing you all the love and kindness you truly deserve.

Jacqui xxx

Inner Child Healing in a New Way

Yesterday

Denise Linn’s Soul Coaching Oracle Cards – Sanctuary

was a day of remembering that I love Inner Child work.  Our childhoods have such a far reaching influence on our lives, that this little person still inside us needs care and attention as much as anyone does.  But yesterday Inner Child Healing went in a fascinating new direction.

Learning is Power

As a teacher, I believe in the power of learning and of teaching people skills to become independent.  I’ve never wanted to be the kind of healer that people come to again and again to “fix” problems.  I always want to teach self-healing skills alongside my healing sessions.  But many of us weren’t empowered as children and our voices weren’t heard.  We had to follow the rules and listen to authority figures.  In the process we lost touch with our own guidance and intuition.  It got squashed by following the authority figures in our lives.  Times are changing and the trend in childcare is for learning to be child-led and with far greater understanding of normal child behaviour and development.  But for those of us who didn’t receive this kind of nursery education, our Inner Child is dying to be heard.

Power of the Imagination

I use what Carl Jung would call “Active Imagination” in healing sessions.  My clients’ unconscious minds show me symbols of what’s going on and I get guidance from spiritual guides and the creator on how best to help the client move forward.  My job is to ask for healing and witness it – the mind is so powerful that using the imagination in this way really can help people feel better.  But a fascinating process unfolded with a client on my narcissism programme recently.  Usually I follow the guidance and use active imagination to witness the healing happen but on this occasion, I had to sit back and guide the Inner Child to do the healing herself once I’d asked for it.  Just like a nursery school teacher would, I was prompting the child to come up with solutions to the problems we were seeing.  And wow, was it effective!  The Inner Child felt heard and more confident and the problems went away quickly and in a light, game-like way.

Everyone is Unique

I have no idea whether this technique will be needed again.  Each session is best when it’s tailored to what the client needs and that’s the fun of working  in this way.  As long as we’ve set an intention for where we want to be, the unconscious mind and spiritual guidance will work together to get us there somehow.  It’s such a fascinating process and it unfolds differently for different people.

Why not give this technique a try next time you have a problem?  Set the intention to solve the problem, connect with your Inner Child  in your imagination and prompt him or her to find creative solutions to it.  Let me know how you get on if you try it!  My contact details are to the left 🙂

Gifts from Narcissism

What’s real and what’s not real?  

On the surface, it seems like an easy question.  At least, it’s an easy question when we’re talking about things you can physically experience with your senses.  But even then, fans of “The Matrix” will know that what we think we can see, touch, taste, hear and smell are all just electrical signals from our nerve cells to our brains.  OK, that’s a really complicated philosophical discussion and well beyond my thinking capabilities!  So for sake of simplicity, let’s just assume that things we can see, touch, taste, hear and smell are real.

But what about more abstract concepts?  How do we know what is real when it comes to more abstract ideas?  I had an encounter with a narcissist that forced me to question what was real and what wasn’t.  I’ll leave the details of the encounter for another time but people that are narcissists and/or sociopaths like to exploit your weaknesses, your insecurities and take you to the edge of sanity.  It’s about power and control.  Perhaps deep down they lack power and control themselves and look out for ways to get it by controlling others.  You might have heard of one mind game that they like to play: gaslighting.  They’ll do something and then swear to you they haven’t, leaving you to question your own sanity.  Being in a place of questioning your own sanity is not pretty at all.  It’s hell.

If I did explain to you now what happened with the narcissist, you’d think I was nuts.  To be honest, I don’t know which parts were my active imagination, which parts were me wanting to see certain things and which parts were things done by the narcissist to confuse and control me.  And I never will.  But I’ve made peace with that because it doesn’t matter what happened then.  What matters is what I do with what I learned and how I can use it to help others.

Is Love Real?

And how do we know love is real?  We can’t measure it or touch it.  But we know it’s nonsense to question whether it’s real.  Right before my encounter with the narcissist, I had felt an upsurge of love.  Colours were brighter, everything was more beautiful and I was glowing.  Many people asked me if I was in love with someone.  I wish then my little mind understood that love doesn’t have to be attached to another person and that is can rise up spontaneously for no reason other than the beauty of being alive.  A quiet voice inside me knew that then.

Perhaps the narcissist was a gift from beyond to clear out all that was blocking me from having more of that experience of being in love with life.  And is that perspective based on reality?  Who on Earth knows for sure?  But I get to choose my perspective and I get to choose what happens in my inner world.

And I choose a perspective that lets me feel more love.

If you’ve had an experience with a narcissist or sociopath, I would love to hear from you.  Whether you’ve already healed or are in the process of doing so, I’d love to hear your story for a book I’m about to write on this topic.  Contact me on jacquimcginn@yahoo.co.uk

Little Victories for Living Consciously

How much do you live consciously?  Are you aware of what thoughts, emotions and sensations become present as you experience life?  As you may well be aware, the more we can get conscious of our responses, the more control we have over them and the better we can make our lives.  When we see what’s going on, we can notice when things need changing or healing and take action to sort them out.  Likewise, it means we can notice little victories that show our consciousness is shifting for the better.  In this post, I’d like to share with you a little conscious victory I had.

As I posted about previously, I’ve been going deeply into my money story this year to improve my relationship with my finances.  In coaching and healing, you soon learn that nothing is as it seems. Our relationship with our finances is rarely just about money – it’s fascinating what else in our minds is tied up in our money story.

One of my hobbies that I’m just getting back into, is playing the bagpipes. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with them and it dawned on me that there were crucial insights and lessons related to money and my business.

When I was in primary school (elementary school), I started playing the bagpipes. I’ve had a bit of a love/hate relationship with the bagpipes since that time.  It was all unconscious so I had no idea what emotions were going on.  The biggest problem for me was that I’ve also been a chronic people pleaser for most of my life and the bagpipes are very much an instrument that divides opinion.  Some people absolutely love them and some people absolutely hate them.  As a people pleaser, the latter used to be really hard for me, so I would minimise my impact as much as possible to avoid upsetting people.  It didn’t feel safe to have others’ disapproval even though I would get a lot of admiration too.

Now, how this links with my money story is that I used to earn quite a bit of money from playing the bagpipes in Southern England.  Bagpipers are rare in the South and people who want a bagpiper for a wedding or New Year’s Eve will pay quite a lot of money.  I also used to get days off school playing on the QE2 cruise ship before it set sail from Southampton and would get some money for doing that, too.

So, that was the background to the unconscious “stuff” going on.  Back to my little victory.  I offered to play the bagpipes at the special needs school I’m working at.  I took them in having done little practice (so knowing they wouldn’t sound as good as I can make them) and played in a music lesson.  Special needs kids don’t do people pleasing – they will give you the reaction straight!  Most of the young people in the class enjoyed or became interested in the bagpipes, but one balled her eyes out!  This was the victory.  For the first time, I really felt it was OK that she didn’t like it.  I didn’t feel guilty that I’d upset her like I would have done before.  It might seem like a small shift and an obvious point for many, but for me it’s the fruit of many years of hard work to change my responses to situations in empowering ways.

I think I just might go ahead and practise more so I can offer my services for weddings and New Year. 🙂

Are you a people-pleaser?  Have you had any consciousness shifting victories lately?  How have you managed to make the shifts?  I’d love to hear!