6 Mistakes I’ve Made Running Groups Over 20 Years & What They Taught Me About Better Connection

Over the last 2 decades I’ve run lots of groups.  As a languages teacher, a networking group leader and online business owner, I’ve gathered groups with varying levels of success.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes but – as I keep telling my students – mistakes are where the richest learning comes from. 

Here I’m sharing the mistakes I’ve made and the lessons they’ve taught me about better connection.  Because when there’s better connection, the real magic of people coming together can reveal itself. 

1. Not connecting 1-1 regularly with each group member

This was something I learned working with teenagers learning Japanese. At the time, I worked in 2 colleges.   The results my classes got in each college were vastly different.  The reason was that at one college, I had to have regular 1-1 chats with my students. So I knew more about their individual lives, struggles and ambitions.  I knew when they had problems and needed more support.  

  Whereas in my other college, I didn’t know anything that was going on for them.   I would pick up on their strong emotions and get pulled into power struggles with them.  Later, when I went to report their behaviour on the system, I’d find other complaints from staff but by this time the problems had escalated and the breakdown in connection had already happened.  

  By having regular check-ins with the students, we could intervene early to stop problems from escalating.  Having better connection and communication meant the learning environment was much healthier.  And it showed in the students’ grades.

2. Not making it safe enough to mess up and make mistakes

This was an early mistake I made when I first started right out of university.  My intent was to make the class laugh and have fun in the classroom.  I was copying teachers I’d had in the past who pointed out mistakes that were funny. 

  But pointing out mistakes to the whole class – especially as a joke – was a bad thing to do to my students’ self-esteem.  All learning needs space for mistakes.  Language learning can feel especially vulnerable and you need to feel safe to improve. 

3. Not having a clear aim or intention together for the group and each session

I was ready to give up teaching.  Everything felt wrong and I could feel my Japanese lessons weren’t good enough.  My boss was supportive and tried to reassure me. 

But then I got a formal observation from the college quality manager and got graded “requires improvement”.  I cried with relief, making the quality manager very uncomfortable! 

He mentored me and taught me how to be clearer about where the lesson was going.  Making it clearer what direction we were heading in together created a much more connected class atmosphere. 

When it comes to working from the soul, there has to be space for uncertainty.  In teaching you need concrete aims and objectives.  In a more soul-lead group, you need intentions.  You need some kind of shared direction to face. 

4. Cramming in information and not giving time and space to process and integrate new information

This is the rooky mistake that many new teachers make.  It takes time to integrate new learning.  Learning happens in stages.  It’s one thing to remember a fact, it’s an entirely different thing to apply it in life at the right time.  Application of new learning happens over time.

So what’s that got to do with connection?  Well when people are overwhelmed in their heads, there’s less space for connection.  Frustration and anxiety sets in and can disrupt connection. 

By giving learning the right balance of space and time to process and integrate, you have more space to stay connected through the process. 

Discussion can even become part of the connection process and that leads to even more opportunities for quality connection. 

5. Not ensuring that each member has had a chance to connect with each other member 

When I tried creating an online membership, I knew that each member would need to connect with the others.  I knew that in the online space, it’s easy for communication to get muddied with assumptions.  

Well, one day it blew up.  One member had shared a post that another member found offensive.  The problem was that these members hadn’t actually met each other and so assumptions and defenses jumped in.  They clashed in a FB group post.  The heated exchange wound up with accusations of bullying.  It was somebody setting boundaries about what kinds of topics were acceptable for them in the group space. 

Now, I could have had more empathy for the person who felt bullied (another bonus lesson!).  There was clearly something else being triggered, but this was confirmation of just how important it is to have everyone in the group meet each other and see another as a whole human and not just as a faceless adversary.

What this means is that opportunities for connection need to be built into an online community – especially when more sensitive people are involved and there’s a transformational element to the group. 

6. Not co-creating agreed boundaries that keep healers and empaths safe

Empaths often have a hard time with boundaries and feeling too much emotion in others.  And that can lead to getting unbalanced and jumping to the wrong assumptions.  

It’s fine to have suggested boundaries but it’s important to give each group member a chance to reflect and add to the agreed boundaries.  That way the power dynamics stay more equal and everyone feels included. 

 Without a chance to co-create the boundaries, healers and empaths can feel like they’re doing free emotional labour in the group, leading to resentment.  There’s nothing worse than paying to be in a space and then feeling resentful that you’re expected to do unpaid emotional labour for other members – especially when the group leader is getting extremely well paid for the space! 

Having agreements and opportunities to co-create boundaries means that resentments are far less likely to creep in and from the get-go, you’ve set up a space of open, honest communication where people feel included on a deep level. 

Embarrassed to Share…

So these are the biggest mistakes I’ve made that have created disconnect and what I’ve learned from them.  I have to admit there’s some embarrassment in sharing them!  The lingering perfectionist part of me thinks I “should” have known all of this without having to experience it.  

But learning through experience means it’s not just an idea in my head.  Experience grounds learning into reality and so others can feel the truth of it too.

If you join one of my classes or groups, these lessons guide the space I hold.  

And when everyone in the group feels safe and connected…

….that’s when magic can happen!