29 May Reclaim Your Authentic Power – Understand Narcissism and Heal
Introduction
Narcissistic relationships can be destructive and yet hard to spot. There’s often no visible wounds or harm, but the psychological damage can run deep. And the stress can wreak havoc on physical health.
There’s a lot of information out there on how to heal from narcissistic relationships, so it can get confusing. In this article, I’m sharing resources that have helped my clients (and myself) the most.
It’s not just being able to recognise narcissism that’s important – it’s also recognising the patterns in those who often get entangled in narcissistic relationship patterns. There’s a special word for them that you may not have heart of yet.
Understanding narcissism
There are lots of great resources. And there are resources created by people who are still bitter and haven’t yet healed. The resources I recommend here are from people coming from a place of peace and acceptance.
Dr Craig Malkin – Author of “Rethinking Narcissism”
This is the most grounded and hopeful explanation I’ve come across. Dr Malkin is a clinical psychologist who works at Harvard Medical School. His work is based on his own experience, working with clients and on research. He has a fantastic YouTube channel that shares bitesize explanations of all different aspects of narcissism.
The most helpful part of it for recovery from these kinds of relationships is his name for the opposite of a narcissist. While narcissists rely on feeling special to avoid feeling vulnerable, their opposites fear being seen as narcissistic or being a burden to anyone else. Their name comes from the Greek myth that we meet Narcissus in. “Narcissus and Echo” is the full name and “Echoist” is the opposite of narcissist.
Echo was cursed to only ever be able to repeat back the last few words of what someone else said. In real life, they (me included!) echo back the needs and feelings of others to have a sense of connection.
You can see how a relationship between a narcissist and an echoist can keep going – the narcissist avoid vulnerability and needs to be special. The echoist reflects back that need for specialness to them – letting him or herself be smaller and “less than”, so the narcissist can be more special.
Are you an echoist?
You can take a test on Dr Malkin’s website to find out.
Being able to name the truth of where you are is the most powerful step to beginning to heal.
the path to healing
In one version of the myth of Narcissus and Echo, the goddess of retribution and revenge makes an appearance – Nemesis.
While I definitely DON’T recommend seeking revenge, I do recommend letting yourself feel that power of wanting revenge and all of the anger it contains. You may want professional help in being able to feel such big emotions.
But there is a wonderful resource to help you begin making friends with ALL of your emotions.
Letting yourself feel
The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren is the one book that I keep going back to again and again. Not only that, Karla has so much integrity that she’s admitted she was wrong about parts of the book and a new, revised edition is coming out in Summer 2023.
Karla guides you through the wonderful gifts and guidance that each of our emotions can bring us.
I wrote about diving into emotions in the book Intuitive – Speaking Her Truth. I didn’t mention Karla in my story, but it was her work that I used to finally break free from working with narcissistic, domineering coaches. I let myself really feel the anger that was building up about being mislead again and again by the online coaching industry. There was a touch of Nemesis, but I didn’t seek revenge.
Heal trauma and come back into the body
Trauma comes from our survival instincts (fight or flight) being thwarted or becoming overwhelming. We’re unable to cope, so we go into shutdown (freeze) mode.
It can also create all kinds of different ways to cope by avoiding the pain. Overthinking, denying our needs, addictions – to name just 3 of many possibilities.
Underneath patterns of narcissistic and echoistic behaviours, there can be trauma. A part of us is split off and stuck in time and space trying to cope with something overwhelming.
Trauma healing is about helping the body to activate its natural trauma healing capacity. Animals will shake off the fight or flight energy and carry on as normal.
Humans have lost touch with the ability to do that, and so all of that powerful trauma energy (what Karla McLaren calls “panic”), is stuck in our system.
And while it stays stuck in our system, it’s taking up a lot of energy both in itself and in all the ways we have to avoid feeling the pain of what happened in the traumatic moment.
But good trauma healing with experienced professionals can bring wholeness and goodness to our bodies, minds and spirits.
trauma healing methods
The great thing is that there are so many ways to heal trauma. Not all of them work for everyone, so it will be a case of trusting your intuition and finding what is right for you.
Somatic Experiencing – developed by Peter Levine and inspired by watching wild animals shake off their experiences. It works with the body, trusting its innate wisdom to heal.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) – uses eye movements to disconnect feelings from memories. Many people find it helpful.
The BLAST Technique – (Bilateral Analysis and Stimulation Treatment) – a development from EMDR that helps the body process the trauma and integrate it, so it no longer affects you in the present. There is no need to talk about what happened with a practitioner.
from thinking to feeling
You might notice that these 2 key ways to heal have something in common. They encourage you to feel again.
Narcissistic relationships can keep you trapped in overthinking and overanalysing. Your body can even scream at you to get out. One of my friends ended up with cancer to get her to see how damaging the narcissistic relationship was to her health.
For sure, it’s a long journey from the head to the heart and body, so give yourself time to learn to feel again. You might get frustrated and want it to happen faster – that’s normal. Our capacity to feel often gets shut down in childhood. Shutting it down is a way of feeling safe and protected, so it may take a while for your mind to recognise that it’s safe to feel.
Once your mind knows it’s safe to feel, you will
Go easy on yourself, be compassionate with yourself as you reclaim your power – the power to feel and know the truth.
other helpful resources
Melanie Tonia Evans takes a more spiritual approach. She has lots of advice on her website and social media channels too.
Richard Grannon is a life coach who has helpful videos on narcissistic abuse.
learn to trust your intuition and inner knowing
Ultimately, this is a journey back to your truest, more authentic self. Discovering who you really are, and dropping the masks and coping strategies that keep the real you hidden.
It’s a journey to welcome back the lost and broken pieces of who you really are, so you can shine as the fabulously unique soul that you are. You can pass on what you’ve learned to others to help them out of the darkness too.
You might well makes mistakes and take wrong turns along the way. And that’s all part of the learning. (It also makes for a richer, more interesting story to tell others later!)
Ready to begin writing your story? Download my free guide.