How And Why A Narcissist Sells In The Way That They Do

Furious.  Frustrated.  Feeling stupid.  Feeling duped.  Feeling like a mug.  Relieved to hear you’re not the only one.  Boiling resentment.  Shame.

That’s how it can feel when you’ve been sold to by a narcissistic business owner – and trust me, I’ve been there myself!  In this post, I’ll use my studies of narcissism and work with my clients to help explain what’s going on and why it can be so difficult to shake the negative feelings associated with narcissistic relationships.

You probably recognise at least some of these characteristics of narcissistic sales.    Please add any more you’ve noticed in the comments!

  1. It’s very impressive – there might even be some really convincing facts and qualifications to make them seem highly credible
  2. It taps into your fears and seems to alleviate them e.g. lack of money in your business, getting more interest in your products
  3. Often it involves making more money
  4. There’s a push to buy quickly
  5. No refunds or guarantees
  6. Plenty of NLP and mind triggers to get you to buy
  7. There’ll be a sob story and probably a rags-to-riches story too
  8. There’s an element of “poor me” going on so you feel you can’t complain
  9. They’ll use impressive sales statistics (and not show you how many people were actually satisfied with the product or service)
  10. They lie or twist the truth
  11. They might have a couple of people who achieved success around to give a testimonial, but genuine testimonials are few and far between
  12. After you’ve bought it, you realise the product or service you bought doesn’t do what they said it would do
  13. The product or service looks flashy and fancy, but has little substance

So Why Do They Do This And Why Do You Go Along With It?

Well, let’s have a look at what narcissism is and what’s going on in that person.  The best explanation of narcissism that I’ve come across is by Dr Craig Malkin, author of “Rethinking Narcissism”.

His model is The Narcissism Spectrum Scale and we all fall on the scale somewhere between 0 and 10.  At 10 is full-on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and at 0 is what Dr Malkin calls “Echoism”.  In the original myth, Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in a pool and Echo fell in love with Narcissus.  But Echo had been cursed by Hera to only ever be able to repeat back what someone else has said, so when Narcissus said “who’s there?”, Echo could only repeat back “Who’s there?” and you can imagine how frustrating that conversation was!  Right in the centre of the Narcissism Spectrum Scale at 5, we have what Dr Malkin calls “Healthy Narcissism”.  Yes, there is such a thing as healthy narcissism.

Anyway, the key to this scale for Dr Malkin is specialness.   At the higher end, people have a need to be more special than everyone else around them.  At the lower end, people have a need for other people to be more special.  So you can see how dysfunctional but natural a relationship between a narcissist and an echoist would be.  What’s happening at 5 with healthy narcissism is that instead of my specialness being in relations to anyone else around, I’m special in my own right and I also know that you’re special too.  My specialness doesn’t diminish yours and your specialness doesn’t diminish mine.  In fact, both of us shine brighter when we acknowledge and celebrate each other’s specialness.

Narcissists and echoists lack self esteem and true heart-centred confidence in themselves so they look to other people outside of themselves to provide it.  Healthy narcissists have near unshakeable confidence.  For sure, we can move up and down the scale according to circumstances and who we’re with, but those around the middle tend to have better awareness of when their specialness starts being compared to other people.

Specialness and Sales

So let’s go back to the sales of the narcissist.  They have a NEED to be more special than you, so they can’t create anything that would actually help you to outshine them.  On a heart level, there is deep pain and discomfort that they have built defence mechanisms around.  They’re trying to control the world outside themselves to maintain this special facade so they don’t have to go into that pain.  Realising that they’re no more special than anyone else would be a big blow to their vulnerable egos.

I don’t know for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a deeply wounded and neglected inner child in there who is desperate for love and acceptance just as they are.  They don’t really want attention to be conditional on them being more special but it’s just too painful for them to go to the truth.  So they continue living a fantasy life – and that’s where the lies come from.

Can you see why you’re unlikely to be able to give feedback, review them or get a refund?   They can’t reflect truthfully and honestly.  Any hint of criticism will be met with fury (it might be veiled but it’s there) because it reflects their own deep insecurities.  And the refund would hit that all important money goal they have and use to wow people.  Look deeper and you’ll see they probably have money problems that they hide from others.

Why Did You Fall For It?

Don’t worry, it’s not a mirror of your true self.  Yes we can all be a bit narcissistic and egotistical from time to time, but there was more going on.  They tapped into your big dreams of reaching more people to help and they tapped into your desire for financial security.  If you’re reading this far, I’m pretty sure that you’re the type of person who cares deeply about people and who wants to help people in your business far more than you want loads of money.

When they tapped into your big dreams and financial worries, it was done with manipulative techniques and it’s my belief that when a person taps into another  person’s subconscious mind to influence them for their own gain without conscious permission, a violation has happened.  Part of the difficulty in trying to let go and forgive is that a piece of them is lodged in you, in your energy system.  Since you can only heal and process energy that belongs to you, it’s really hard to let go of your stuck negative feelings because you can’t heal and process what isn’t yours.  Instead you need a way to get rid of their energy from your system.   –

There Is Hope

Clearing this stuff is what I do and I’ve been doing it for people with narcissistic family members, partners or spouses.  You don’t have to stay stuck with their energy and you most definitely can let it go.  The main technique I use to remove foreign energy in a person’s system is ThetaHealing and then I use a powerful forgiveness process as well.  Forgiveness really does bring about compassion and freedom.

Thoughts, Emotions and Healing The Heart

“The thorn is always in your heart; it’s just not activated until something touches it.  You feel the reaction as a hollowness or a dropping sensation in your heart.  If feels very uncomfortable…Stored energy from the past releases from the heart and generates thoughts.”

Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul

Many mindset books would have us believe that thoughts create feelings.  But from what I’ve found, feelings have a life of their own independent of thought.  Our minds can latch onto emotions and twist their helping, healing powers into all kinds of stories.  To change the thoughts and carry on with how we are is to ignore a valuable opportunity for healing the heart.  

When discomfort comes up, it means we’re feeling safe enough to release that old, trapped part of ourselves.  By being able to sit with it and not think it away or energy heal it away, we can bring back a lost piece of ourselves and gradually return to our true, authentic power.  As the heart’s blocks get cleared, a pathway opens up for more of the soul.  

The more of the soul that can flow into our lives, the more we can bring heaven to earth – not just for ourselves, but for everyone.

So cherish those moments of discomfort and pain, they are vital healing messages from the soul through the heart.  Holding them and giving them space allows the light of your soul to shine through them. <3 

Is Your Marketing Blocked By A Past Narcissistic Relationship?

You’ve studied all the marketing techniques.

You know the principles behind it.

You’ve done the ideal/perfect client worksheets.

You know in your heart that what you do is a real gift and there are people out there who would really benefit from what you do. 

But you just can’t seem to get a coherent marketing plan together no matter how hard you try and you feel that you don’t have enough clarity to go to a marketing professional for help either.

You probably know about limiting beliefs and have shifted loads of them and you know the law of attraction principles but your marketing plan just won’t come together.

If you’ve been in a narcissistic or highly controlling relationship, the chances are – that’s the reason.  And it’s your unconscious mind protecting you from what it thinks might be harmful.  Later I’ll explain why a past narcissistic relationship will interrupt your marketing but first of all, let’s take a look at what a narcissistic relationship is.

What is a narcissistic relationship?  

On the most basic level, it’s a relationship where one person is unable to think about the needs of the other and they have a chronic need to be more special.  Often this can actually be abusive and highly manipulative.  A narcissistic person can be a master of subtle control so it can be very difficult to spot and the control can actually seem really nice – for example a partner who sweeps you off your feet with an amazing romantic dinner but it was when you had plans to do something else.   It’s been compared to a frog being in a pan of water on the stove.  The temperature gradually hots up and it barely noticeable for a while and then when the frog realises it’s too hot, it’s too late.   That level of subtle control, repeated over time does a lot of damage to your self esteem and your self worth.

Not only that, but to stay in a narcissistic relationship long term means you need to shut down your heart so that you don’t feel the constant subtle emotional pain.  And that is how those experiences and their wounds can block your marketing.

The Heart of Marketing

Marketing is really about building trusting relationships with your ideal clients and near ideal clients.  Being a spiritual, heart-centred and caring business owner, you really want to connect from the heart with your audience, but when your heart is clogged up with unhealed wounds and unfelt emotions, it doesn’t leave space for that calm, true connection with your clients’ heart.  You need a full, true connection with your own heart first.

That block in connection with your heart can block the connection with people who come across you through your blogs and social media posts.  You’re probably creating a persona or a mask to protect your heart.  But that means that you’re not showing up as the full, beautiful you that you are and your clients can’t really see you.

Now perhaps connecting in person is easier because you know who you’re dealing with.   But for a wider reach, connecting with your audience via your blog or social media post is ideal.  But that distance means there’s always that gamble over who will actually read it.  You want the perfect clients to read it but how do you stop getting overwhelmed by all the wrong people reading it who might potentially gaslight you and manipulate you and shame you.  These are very real fears for someone who’s been through what you have.  The feeling of not having control over who you’re connecting with triggers that same lack of power over how the narcissist will interact with you.  When they’re faceless people out there and you want to share your heart and soul with clients, is it any wonder that you might sabotage yourself to stay safe?  After all, if your heart and your dreams were treated so badly by someone who was supposed to love you, why would you trust putting your work out there to potentially attract more of the same?

So how do you heal it?

The simple answer is that you trust your heart and release all the gunk that’s built up in it.  Is that easy?  Hell no!  That’s why I was given the heart-healing gifts that I have and have had to go through plenty of experiences to sharpen those gifts up – so I can help sensitive, introverted and spiritual business owners like you to connect back with your heart, to trust it, to trust its truth and to have the whole heartspace at hand to put your unique energy frequency and signature into your marketing (and your whole business) Then your soul tribe will really recognise when they’re being called.

As a first step, why not take my quiz to see how susceptible you are to narcissistic relationships now and to get an idea of your next steps to take on your path to healing.  You’ll also get regular tips on how to heal and at the same time, bring your soul gifts to more people <3

Take The Quiz – How Susceptible Are You To Narcissistic Relationships? Plus regular tips on how to heal yourself from narcissistic relationships AND get in touch with your unique soul gifts more.

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The Power of the Heart

There have been some powerful energies and shifts going on this year, haven’t there?  I’ve been riding them and clearing out the old to welcome in the new.  My latest shifts have come from reading “The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer.  What a POWERFUL and insightful book that is.  I’m only halfway through and already it’s changing my whole energy and outlook and it’s even helped me understand what I actually do with my clients!  I can’t recommend the book enough.

Now it may sound obvious that I should really know what I’m doing with clients – sure I’ve been trained in ThetaHealing, Esoteric Healing and oracle card reading, but what I REALLY do with clients goes beyond what I’ve been taught on those courses.  You see, I feel powerful energy moving while I work with a client and I intuitively know that I need to witness it moving and help it flow on by.  All of the tools I’ve learned are all ways to help this energy shift to happen.  Then clients feel a lot better and lighter afterwards.  And if I don’t feel the shift during a session, more than likely they will experience some kind of emotion that lasts for a day or so and then leaves.  Thanks to Michael Singer’s wisdom, I now understand what is happening and I can share it with you.

Every time we don’t feel an emotion fully and let it flow, it gets stuck in our energy system and causes a block.  Over time, these blocks build up until we get to a place of being numb to our emotions – our heart puts walls up.  In childhood, we’re taught that certain emotions like anger or sadness, aren’t acceptable and we’re encouraged to hide them.  That’s when our training begins.  And then when we enter the education system, we’re taught that the intellect is more important than the heart.  We have to hide and stuff down everything we’re feeling so we can focus on Maths and English and all the other academic, “important” subjects.

The trouble is, that’s not our natural state and you can’t shut your heart to some emotions and expect to feel full joy or happiness.  You need full anger and sadness to experience full joy and happiness.  And life has a way of throwing curveballs at us in an attempt to smash through those blocks to the heart.  Breakdowns, bereavement, illness, abusive relationships, highly imbalanced political leaders – things like these can be life’s attempts at reopening our closed hearts.

It can be so easy to blame outside situations, but in reality, the most empowering and freeing thing we can do is to go into our own hearts and let them release old, stuck emotions.  And that’s where someone like me comes in – by having tools to help the emotions flow in a safe space, we can gradually unlock the heart to its full potential so we can experience the fullness of what life have to offer.  Richer relationships, more fulfilling jobs, more of the good feeling emotions and all of this regardless of what’s happening in the outer world.  And ironically, we can think more clearly, creatively and intuitively when we’re allowing emotions to flow fully.  The head works better when the heart is fully engaged.

How is your heart doing?  How open do you let it get?  What would life be like if you let it open to full capacity?  I’ll leave you to give these questions a ponder. <3

Narcissism, Psychopathy, Chakras and Astrology – phew!

Here’s an interview I did with astrologer, numerologist and reiki healer Walter Boyd of Rainbow Path to Wholeness .  Walter had started a fascinating thread on Facebook about his observations of what was going on in the chakras of psychopaths he saw in a TV documentary.  So I wanted to explore that more with him.

The discussion evolved into one about astrology and I have to say that I feel like I understand the benefits of astrology so much more thanks to Walter’s clear explanation.  His deep knowledge of the subject shines through.

Surprisingly, this was Walter’s first video and he was nervous about doing it.  You wouldn’t know from watching it!  But since I used to be a GCSE Japanese teacher,  I had to calm down stressed out teenagers when they were doing their speaking exams, so I’m quite used to recording nervous people and getting the best out of them!  Who knew doing Japanese speaking exams would give such valuable experience later!!

This is a fairly long video (35mins) so grab a cuppa, relax and enjoy it!  🙂

Trust In Yourself

Trust in…

  • your emotions
  • your body
  • your heart
  • your soul
  • your intuition
  • your spiritual gifts and abilities
  • your ability to change your thoughts
  • your ability to learn
  • your ability to set boundaries
  • your bullshit detector
  • your ability to heal the past
  • life’s wisdom
  • what life brings you
  • the idea of life happening for you
  • your ability to change the unconscious programmes running your life
  • your ability to ask for help from the right people
  • your ability to find the perfect people to help you with everything you need
  • your ability to discern who to trust and who not to trust
  • your life experiences as valuable lessons and insights to others
  • your ability to inspire others with your truth
  • your wildest, craziest dreams and visions

Trust in yourself, beautiful soul.  Trust in yourself.   <3

To help you do this, Yoga Teacher Lesley Wilson and I have created a gorgeous workshop called “Loving and Trusting Yourself Again”.  You can see the details here if you feel called to join us <3

Are You Crazy Enough To Think You Can Change The World?

Here’s to the crazy ones.
 
The misfits.
The rebels.
The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules.
And they have no respect for the status quo.
 
You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.
 
Because they change things.
They push the human race forward.
While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
 
Because the people who are crazy enough to think
they can change the world, are the ones who do.
 
-Steve Jobs

Gifts From Murky Depths of The Water Element

What if envy had a vital message?  What if all of the darker emotions had vital messages for us?  What if being true to yourself means honouring all of the emotions?

The idea of the 4 Elements appears in many traditions and cultures.  The Kabbalah, Astrology, The Tarot, Native American wisdom – all of these use the idea that we’re made up of the 4 basic elements of earth, water, air and fire.  These 4 elements correspond to different part of our human selves:

Earth – the physical body

Water – the emotions

Air – thoughts and beliefs, the intellect

Fire – our creativity, imagination, intuition and the spiritual self

Having total wellbeing means that all 4 elements are working in harmony with each other and are balanced.  The problem we have in western societies is that the air element tends to overpower all the others.  In many education systems, intellectual achievement is valued over everything else.  Wiser schools and colleges know that creativity (fire), movement in the physical body (earth) and emotional intelligence (water) are just as vital to our overall intelligence as pure academic enquiry is.

The darker emotions (water) like envy, anger, fear and shame are only darker because we rarely bring them into the light of awareness.  But when we take the time to listen to their messages, they can give us invaluable insights to navigate whatever we’re facing and find the truth of it.  The deeper truth is always healing.

Whenever I feel one of the darker emotions come up, my first place to look it up  is Karla McLaren’s excellent book “The Language of Emotions”.  Emotions originate in the lower parts of the brain – the limbic system and they are responses to our environment – both the external environment (around our physical bodies) and in response to our internal beliefs and thoughts.  When we get the higher parts of the brain that deal with thinking to connect up with and work with the lower parts of the brain, we get more control over our state and can move through problems and issues with more ease.  Life is richer and fuller.  This is air and water working together.

But when the thinking part of the brain is cut off from the emotions, we can buy into collective thinking and ideas that stunt our own development and keep us small.  For example, the idea that emotions are primitive and dumb and should never be on show became a collective belief about emotions.   Living from this intellect-centred view shuts off a vital part of ourselves that brings integrity to our whole systems.  We have the evidence of what a lack of emotion does to us – humans can commit unspeakable acts of violence and cruelty when there is no regulation from emotions, such as in the case of some psychopaths, sociopaths and extreme narcissists.  But those who feel emotions richly are often the great healers and compassionate, visionary contributors to society.

I noticed my own envy coming up about other people’s business successes.  Karla differentiates between jealousy and envy.  She says that jealousy is about unfaithfulness or deceit in close relationships whereas envy is about “unfair distribution of resources or recognition”.  Boy, oh boy does that resonate for me!  “Why do all these other business owners get to have thriving businesses (i.e. good income) and recognition when I’m struggling?”  The clue to answering this question my mind invented is in Karla’s empathic practice for dealing with envy:

Discern whether you’re responding to disloyalty and unfairness in others or to your own lack of self-regard and worthiness.  In either case, restore your boundaries first; then listen to your intuition and honor the anger and fear inside…envy.

The Language of Emotions, p.263

What an insight!  My envy is really about my own lack of self- regard and worthiness and it’s OK to feel that and to acknowledge it.  The inner work is to dive into it and see what guidance my intuition has on what my next step is.  Karla has another gem of an explanation of diving into envy:

When your envy is welcomed and channelled honorably, it will help you uncover unhealed issues and traumas that continue to haunt your present-day behavior.  p.276

When I did deep dive into it, sure enough, there was a massive unhealed trauma and belief about being abandoned by important meant.  It was blocking the flow of masculine energy in me and now it’s healed, the flow has restored.  I’ll share more about this on a Facebook live because there are useful insights for everyone on the spiritual path.

By taking the time to stop, listen in and honour the insights that envy brought me, my energetic system is flowing better leaving me with better wellbeing in the present.  All the answers we really need are inside.  I call this inner healing wisdom our soul’s song.  We just need to get still and quiet enough to listen to its message and let it work its magic.

 

I’m creating a programme to help balance out the 4 elements and listen to the soul song.  I’ll do both an online course-based and a 1-1 session based version of the course.  If you’d be interested in being a beta tester for either version at a reduced rate, please do get in contact by FB message or email jacquimcginn@yahoo.co.uk

Here’s to embracing ALL of the emotions and letting the water element live fully in our lives.  <3

Do  you know your soul? 

Do you know anger?

Do you know sadness?

Do you know fear? 

Do you know your fears? 

Do you know your hopes?

Do you know joy?

Do you know peace?

Do you know shame?

Do you know rage?

Do you know hurt?

Do you know heartbreak?

Do you know grief?

Do you know your heart’s deepest desires?

Do you know what makes your heart sing? 

Do you know how your soul speaks? 

Do you know the truth of who you are?